Morning Call: pick of the papers

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.

1. Osborne's in the crosshairs, and the trigger finger is twitching (Daily Telegraph)

His enemies know that if the Chancellor can’t find growth, the Tories are in real trouble, writes Benedict Brogan. 

2. As Osborne reels, why is Balls feeling the heat? (Independent)

There are calls for the shadow chancellor to be replaced - but Balls is one of the few politicians who has the economic experience to rise to the challenge of a crisis, says Steve Richards.

3. With threats and bribes, Gove forces schools to accept his phoney 'freedom' (Guardian)

Through its academies programme, the government is creating a novelty: the first capitalist command economy, writes George Monbiot. 

4. Euro crisis is breeding comics not fascists (Financial Times)

Times may be tough but this is not the 1930s, writes Gideon Rachman. Modern Europe is a richer, less traumatised continent. 

5. 'Benefit tourism' – real or hyped – must be tackled (Independent)

The longer ministers decline to tackle concern about welfare benefits for new migrants, the more likely it is that xenophobes will end up with the field to themselves, says an Independent editorial. 

6. Tories must see the conservative in Cameron (Times

The PM’s modernising instincts are rooted in traditional values, says Rachel Sylvester. His party must realise this is the only way to win.

7. After Eastleigh, the Lib Dems have finally found the fire in their belly (Guardian)

The Lib Dems must now seize the chance to prove they aren't just a fig leaf for the Tories' cruellest cuts, says Polly Toynbee.

8. Cameron condemned to rightward lurches (Financial Times)

The moment to push root-and-branch modernisation has gone, writes Janan Ganesh.

9. Theresa May's human rights stunt (Guardian)

The home secretary's talk of defying Europe's courts is all show, says Conor Gearty. Human rights are now part of our legal system – rightly so.

10. Why 'hi-viz’ will make the police less visible (Daily Telegraph)

Putting bobbies in the yellow jackets that everyone from dustment to builders wears will only reduce police officers' authority, says Philip Johnston. 

Steve Garry
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The footie is back. Three weeks in and what have we learned so far?

Barcleys, boots and big names... the Prem is back.

Another season, another reason for making whoopee cushions and giving them to Spurs fans to cheer them up during the long winter afternoons ahead. What have we learned so far?

Big names are vital. Just ask the manager of the Man United shop. The arrival of Schneiderlin and Schweinsteiger has done wonders for the sale of repro tops and they’ve run out of letters. Benedict Cumberbatch, please join Carlisle United. They’re desperate for some extra income.

Beards are still in. The whole Prem is bristling with them, the skinniest, weediest player convinced he’s Andrea Pirlo. Even my young friend and neighbour Ed Miliband has grown a beard, according to his holiday snaps. Sign him.

Boots Not always had my best specs on, but here and abroad I detect a new form of bootee creeping in – slightly higher on the ankle, not heavy-plated as in the old days but very light, probably made from the bums of newborn babies.

Barclays Still driving me mad. Now it’s screaming from the perimeter boards that it’s “Championing the true Spirit of the Game”. What the hell does that mean? Thank God this is its last season as proud sponsor of the Prem.

Pitches Some groundsmen have clearly been on the weeds. How else can you explain the Stoke pitch suddenly having concentric circles, while Southampton and Portsmouth have acquired tartan stripes? Go easy on the mowers, chaps. Footballers find it hard enough to pass in straight lines.

Strips Have you seen the Everton third kit top? Like a cheap market-stall T-shirt, but the colour, my dears, the colour is gorgeous – it’s Thames green. Yes, the very same we painted our front door back in the Seventies. The whole street copied, then le toot middle classes everywhere.

Scott Spedding Which international team do you think he plays for? I switched on the telly to find it was rugby, heard his name and thought, goodo, must be Scotland, come on, Scotland. Turned out to be the England-France game. Hmm, must be a member of that famous Cumbrian family, the Speddings from Mirehouse, where Tennyson imagined King Arthur’s Excalibur coming out the lake. Blow me, Scott Spedding turns out to be a Frenchman. Though he only acquired French citizenship last year, having been born and bred in South Africa. What’s in a name, eh?

Footballers are just so last season. Wayne Rooney and Harry Kane can’t score. The really good ones won’t come here – all we get is the crocks, the elderly, the bench-warmers, yet still we look to them to be our saviour. Oh my God, let’s hope we sign Falcao, he’s a genius, will make all the difference, so prayed all the Man United fans. Hold on: Chelsea fans. I’ve forgotten now where he went. They seek him here, they seek him there, is he alive or on the stairs, who feckin’ cares?

John Stones of Everton – brilliant season so far, now he is a genius, the solution to all of Chelsea’s problems, the heir to John Terry, captain of England for decades. Once he gets out of short trousers and learns to tie his own laces . . .

Managers are the real interest. So refreshing to have three young British managers in the Prem – Alex Neil at Norwich (34), Eddie Howe at Bournemouth (37) and that old hand at Swansea, Garry Monk, (36). Young Master Howe looks like a ball boy. Or a tea boy.

Mourinho is, of course, the main attraction. He has given us the best start to any of his seasons on this planet. Can you ever take your eyes off him? That handsome hooded look, that sarcastic sneer, the imperious hand in the air – and in his hair – all those languages, he’s so clearly brilliant, and yet, like many clever people, often lacking in common sense. How could he come down so heavily on Eva Carneiro, his Chelsea doctor? Just because you’re losing? Yes, José has been the best fun so far – plus Chelsea’s poor start. God, please don’t let him fall out with Abramovich. José, we need you.

Hunter Davies is a journalist, broadcaster and profilic author perhaps best known for writing about the Beatles. He is an ardent Tottenham fan and writes a regular column on football for the New Statesman.

This article first appeared in the 27 August 2015 issue of the New Statesman, Isis and the new barbarism