Morning Call: pick of the papers

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.

1. Conservatives will battle for Britain's future (Sunday Telegraph)

Rather than shifting left or shifting right, the Conservatives are positioning themselves in the "common ground" of British politics, says David Cameron.

2. The Tories should now know you don't beat Ukip by copying them (Observer)

Conservative MPs urging David Cameron to lurch right are drawing the wrong conclusion from Eastleigh, says Andrew Rawnsley.

3. Dave's rebels pull off their gloves - for the big Budget bust-up (Mail on Sunday)

David Cameron and George Osborne’s internal enemies are set to demand a change of economic direction, writes James Forsyth.

4. The PM can still win, but it might have to get personal (Sunday Telegraph)

People need to hear a narrative that makes sense of the pain, the change and the challenge – and they haven’t heard it yet, writes Matthew d'Ancona.

5. Ten years on, the case for invading Iraq is still valid (Observer)

A decade after Saddam Hussein was overthrown, why are some progressives still loath to celebrate his demise, asks Nick Cohen.

6. As ever, Tony Blair is David Cameron's guide (Independent on Sunday)

The credit-rating downgrade and Ukip's success in Eastleigh could have resulted in the PM changing course, writes John Rentoul. He has rightly not done so.

7. How shaming the poor became our new bloodsport (Observer)

Politicians have taken the lead in blaming poverty on the poor, writes Barbara Ellen.

8. At long last, a return to British justice (Mail on Sunday)

Theresa May's plan to pull out of the European Convention on Human Rights will ensure foreign criminals cannot be sheltered from justice, says a Mail on Sunday editorial.

9. UKIP’s purple patch is here to stay, PM (Sunday Times)

The potential is there for Farage and his followers to move from disruptive force to breakthrough, writes Adam Boulton.

10. Aid has transformed Africa. Now is the time for growth and governance (Observer)

Africa has made huge advances since the 2005 Glenagles summit – but it still needs our support, says Tony Blair.

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An alternative Trainspotting script for John Humphrys’ Radio 4 “Choose Life” tribute

Born chippy.

Your mole often has Radio 4’s Today programme babbling away comfortingly in the background while emerging blinking from the burrow. So imagine its horror this morning, when the BBC decided to sully this listening experience with John Humphrys doing the “Choose Life” monologue from Trainspotting.

“I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got Radio 4?” he concluded, as a nation cringed.

Introduced as someone who has “taken issue with modernity”, Humphrys launched into the film character Renton’s iconic rant against the banality of modern life.

But Humphrys’ role as in-studio curmudgeon is neither endearing nor amusing to this mole. Often tasked with stories about modern technology and digital culture by supposedly mischievous editors, Humphrys sounds increasingly cranky and ill-informed. It doesn’t exactly make for enlightening interviews. So your mole has tampered with the script. Here’s what he should have said:

“Choose life. Choose a job and then never retire, ever. Choose a career defined by growling and scoffing. Choose crashing the pips three mornings out of five. Choose a fucking long contract. Choose interrupting your co-hosts, politicians, religious leaders and children. Choose sitting across the desk from Justin Webb at 7.20 wondering what you’re doing with your life. Choose confusion about why Thought for the Day is still a thing. Choose hogging political interviews. Choose anxiety about whether Jim Naughtie’s departure means there’s dwindling demand for grouchy old men on flagship political radio shows. Choose a staunch commitment to misunderstanding stories about video games and emoji. Choose doing those stories anyway. Choose turning on the radio and wondering why the fuck you aren’t on on a Sunday morning as well. Choose sitting on that black leather chair hosting mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows (Mastermind). Choose going over time at the end of it all, pishing your last few seconds on needlessly combative questions, nothing more than an obstacle to that day’s editors being credited. Choose your future. Choose life . . .”

I'm a mole, innit.