Morning Call: pick of the papers

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.

1. David Cameron should take tips from John Major about Europe (Observer)

Andrew Rawnsley finds important diplomatic lessons in the last Tory Prime Minister's record of Brussels negotiations.

2. A civil servant too effective for his own good (Independent on Sunday)

Cabinet Secretary Sir Jeremy Heywood is a formidable operator, says John Rentoul. No wonder he has so many enemies ...

3. Jeremy's still king of Whitehall, but is his crown slipping? (Mail on Sunday)

... while James Forsyth detects chinks in the Cabinet Secretary's famously formidable armour.

4. No more Mr Tough Guy - enter Obama the peacemaker (Sunday Times)

Andrew Sullivan sees signs of a new radicalism in White House foreign policy.

5. Uncertainty of independence can't be wished away (Scotland on Sunday)

Scotland Secretary Michael Moore MP rules out negotiations on a contingency plan for independence before a referendum. 

6. Cameron gives the game away (Independent on Sunday)

Leading article slams the Prime Minister for abandoning the national interest with a reckless European policy.

7. Face it, we only matter to Obama as part of the EU (Sunday Telegraph)

Peter Oborne finds the founding myth of the Atlanticist Tory party in tatters.

8. The beautiful game embodies everything that's bad about Britain (Observer

Will Hutton sees the ugly side of UK capitalism neatly expressed in the Premier League.

9. Now it's loss of faith in justice that needs fixing (Sunday Telegraph)

The Savile affair exposes grim inadequacy at the heart of the system, writes Matthew D'Ancona.

10. Chilcot's continuing silence on Iraq is an affront to us all (Observer)

Catherine Bennett wonders how the truth about the decision to go to war is still so hard to come by 10 years on.

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An alternative Trainspotting script for John Humphrys’ Radio 4 “Choose Life” tribute

Born chippy.

Your mole often has Radio 4’s Today programme babbling away comfortingly in the background while emerging blinking from the burrow. So imagine its horror this morning, when the BBC decided to sully this listening experience with John Humphrys doing the “Choose Life” monologue from Trainspotting.

“I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got Radio 4?” he concluded, as a nation cringed.

Introduced as someone who has “taken issue with modernity”, Humphrys launched into the film character Renton’s iconic rant against the banality of modern life.

But Humphrys’ role as in-studio curmudgeon is neither endearing nor amusing to this mole. Often tasked with stories about modern technology and digital culture by supposedly mischievous editors, Humphrys sounds increasingly cranky and ill-informed. It doesn’t exactly make for enlightening interviews. So your mole has tampered with the script. Here’s what he should have said:

“Choose life. Choose a job and then never retire, ever. Choose a career defined by growling and scoffing. Choose crashing the pips three mornings out of five. Choose a fucking long contract. Choose interrupting your co-hosts, politicians, religious leaders and children. Choose sitting across the desk from Justin Webb at 7.20 wondering what you’re doing with your life. Choose confusion about why Thought for the Day is still a thing. Choose hogging political interviews. Choose anxiety about whether Jim Naughtie’s departure means there’s dwindling demand for grouchy old men on flagship political radio shows. Choose a staunch commitment to misunderstanding stories about video games and emoji. Choose doing those stories anyway. Choose turning on the radio and wondering why the fuck you aren’t on on a Sunday morning as well. Choose sitting on that black leather chair hosting mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows (Mastermind). Choose going over time at the end of it all, pishing your last few seconds on needlessly combative questions, nothing more than an obstacle to that day’s editors being credited. Choose your future. Choose life . . .”

I'm a mole, innit.