If Scotland becomes independent, will Fergie need a visa?

Usually at this point, we know everything, but this has been a dead exciting/boring/long-drawn-out/non-vintage/gone-to-the-wire season. Lots still to be decided, but let's get on with the awards.

Disappointments Spurs promised so much for so long, praised by all, then slowly, week by week, pathetically collapsed. Arsenal have all that talent - possession, passing - and where did it get them? As for the players: Torres . . . when will it go right?

Successes Man United came alive and are eager again, just when we were writing them off for having no leader, an elderly midfield and few strikers.
Found out Fabio Capello. This season, we got wise to him and realised he has nothing special to offer England, least of all the ability to speak English. After that shameful 0-0 draw against Montenegro at Wembley, he should have been sacked.

Players of the season Gareth Bale, exciting though he was in full flow in a handful of matches, still has a lot to learn, such as not limping in agony when clearly still alive. And the following award goes to Scott Parker: being consistently committed in a rubbish team.

Minor image of the season I was at Spurs for their home game against West Brom and happened to be sitting low down in the east stand when, about half an hour before the game, the ref and his two assistants came across to my side of the pitch and started to warm up. They went through a series of high-kicking steps, as if they were Tiller Girls, and did some camp dancing, followed by Monty Python-style silly walks. It ended with them running sideways. Turned out to be the best entertainment all afternoon.

Well done All those Scottish managers in the Prem: seven in all, now that Paul Lambert of Norwich City has made it. Eight, if Billy Davies of Nottingham Forest creeps in. If Alex Salmond makes Scotland independent, will they all need passports and visas?

Haircuts For the first time since 1996, there has been no Haircut of the Year. Come back, Becks. Aaron Lennon's shaved eyebrows don't count.

Tightest trousers A new award specially for Jamie Redknapp. As the season has gone on, he has been sitting in the studio opening his legs ever wider, giving us the benefit of his tight trousers - ooh, er, missus.

Kinky striker

New craze Man City fans dancing the Poznan, which consists of jumping up and down with your back to the action. It sounds pretty silly, not to say pointless. It started when they played Lech Poznan in the Europa League and the Polish fans turned out in hordes and sang and shouted for the whole match. They were the best away fans all season. City fans pinched the idea. Brit fans don't often steal from abroad: the influence normally goes the other way.

Best chant When Torres went to Chelsea for £50m, Liverpool fans started shouting: "Chelsea rent boy!" The Chelsea fans replied: "Champions!" The Scousers then sang: "You ain't got no history." And the Chelsea fans came back with: "But we've got your striker."

Hmm, not all that brilliant, so the award goes to an old Man City chant that might be heard on Cup final day: "Sven, Sven, wherever you may be,/You are the pride of Man City./You can shag my wife on our settee,/If we win a cup at Wemberlee."

Best quotes "That's Barnsley going forward in a nutshell" - Mark Lawrenson. "I hate perception. There's too much of it in the game" - Sam Allardyce.

Strangest advert Watching Stoke play at home, I noticed a perimeter advert flashing: "The cradle of mankind". Stoke were among the founding members of the Football League, but haven't exactly been at the forefront of football until this season's Cup final. Then up came the words "Visit Tanzania".

Farewells Will we see Tévez again? I'll miss him. Fàbregas off to Barça? I bet he won't make their first team. Scholes? Is that it? It'd be a shame.
Looking forward to . . . The Women's World Cup in Germany in June/July and the European under-21 finals.

Oh, life is still so good. See you next season. l

Next week:Jon Bernstein

Hunter Davies is a journalist, broadcaster and profilic author perhaps best known for writing about the Beatles. He is an ardent Tottenham fan and writes a regular column on football for the New Statesman.

This article first appeared in the 03 January 2010 issue of the New Statesman, New Issue