Stop crying over your cocoa

During the World Cup, there was talk that JT, Lamps and Ash - yes, I am on personal terms with them all, the bastards - may retire from playing for England for good. People were being horrid to them: no respect, calling them names, that sort of awful stuff.

I have a better idea. Now that it is all over, why not retire from football completely? You know you are not enjoying it, all that training, listening to stupid coaches, being shouted at by stupid fans, the stupid media just not understanding.

You are of the first generation of players who need never work again - who can live on the hog for another 60 years and still have millions to leave the kiddies. You are still so young, with so much to do, so why not get out now and tinker with the Ferrari full-time, shag all the Sheilas and buy up Dubai? You are only here once. Enjoy.

Apparently, when Rooney and Gerrard were moaning into their cocoa, crying round the campfire, having been made fools of by Algebra (or was it Slowmo?) - so long ago now I have forgotten which funny little countries gave us a hiding - they decided they would soldier on, give it another go, fight on for England and by George. Good on them. But my advice is to get out of here. Go abroad for the next four years.

A running theme in the 1,001 explanations trotted out so far for England being rubbish is that they are stupid, thick, backward, all brawn, no brains. We are talking football brains here, not intellect, for did not Lamps go to a public school and qualify as a brain surgeon? Does he not speak with excellent elocution?

It was on the pitch that they showed no ideas, no sense, no creative powers, no imagination, no awareness - as well as no touch and no ball control. But we know, or at least tell ourselves, that this was temporary, because we have seen them with their league clubs quite often pass
to team-mates and sometimes strike the ball vaguely towards those post things (you know, with the net, can't miss it really).

The new generation, we hope, will be better educated, as we are bound to fling billions into new wonder football academies. Or free schools, pinching Mr Gove's idea. Let fans set up football academies, as clearly the present lot of FA coaches haven't a bleedin' clue. In fact, when
I get back from Lakeland, I'll start my own. If Toby Young can get all that copy out of his free school nonsense, I should get a book at least.

In the meantime, our present so-called, er, world-class stars need a short, sharp course of re-education. Going to Italy or Spain would stimulate them intellectually and culturally, jolt them out of their comfort zone, remove them from their gated, insular, cosseted English life, where they have been worshipped and indulged for too long.

They will be forced to adapt and learn new ways. Most of all - they will have to think. About themselves, their team-mates, the meaning of football. The Beatles learned to be Beatles by going to Hamburg. James Joyce went to Paris and wrote about Dublin. Sometimes, you need to get away to realise where you're from. Bye bye.

Hunter Davies is a journalist, broadcaster and profilic author perhaps best known for writing about the Beatles. He is an ardent Tottenham fan and writes a regular column on football for the New Statesman.

This article first appeared in the 12 July 2010 issue of the New Statesman, Behind the mask

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Q&A: What are tax credits and how do they work?

All you need to know about the government's plan to cut tax credits.

What are tax credits?

Tax credits are payments made regularly by the state into bank accounts to support families with children, or those who are in low-paid jobs. There are two types of tax credit: the working tax credit and the child tax credit.

What are they for?

To redistribute income to those less able to get by, or to provide for their children, on what they earn.

Are they similar to tax relief?

No. They don’t have much to do with tax. They’re more of a welfare thing. You don’t need to be a taxpayer to receive tax credits. It’s just that, unlike other benefits, they are based on the tax year and paid via the tax office.

Who is eligible?

Anyone aged over 16 (for child tax credits) and over 25 (for working tax credits) who normally lives in the UK can apply for them, depending on their income, the hours they work, whether they have a disability, and whether they pay for childcare.

What are their circumstances?

The more you earn, the less you are likely to receive. Single claimants must work at least 16 hours a week. Let’s take a full-time worker: if you work at least 30 hours a week, you are generally eligible for working tax credits if you earn less than £13,253 a year (if you’re single and don’t have children), or less than £18,023 (jointly as part of a couple without children but working at least 30 hours a week).

And for families?

A family with children and an income below about £32,200 can claim child tax credit. It used to be that the more children you have, the more you are eligible to receive – but George Osborne in his most recent Budget has limited child tax credit to two children.

How much money do you receive?

Again, this depends on your circumstances. The basic payment for a single claimant, or a joint claim by a couple, of working tax credits is £1,940 for the tax year. You can then receive extra, depending on your circumstances. For example, single parents can receive up to an additional £2,010, on top of the basic £1,940 payment; people who work more than 30 hours a week can receive up to an extra £810; and disabled workers up to £2,970. The average award of tax credit is £6,340 per year. Child tax credit claimants get £545 per year as a flat payment, plus £2,780 per child.

How many people claim tax credits?

About 4.5m people – the vast majority of these people (around 4m) have children.

How much does it cost the taxpayer?

The estimation is that they will cost the government £30bn in April 2015/16. That’s around 14 per cent of the £220bn welfare budget, which the Tories have pledged to cut by £12bn.

Who introduced this system?

New Labour. Gordon Brown, when he was Chancellor, developed tax credits in his first term. The system as we know it was established in April 2003.

Why did they do this?

To lift working people out of poverty, and to remove the disincentives to work believed to have been inculcated by welfare. The tax credit system made it more attractive for people depending on benefits to work, and gave those in low-paid jobs a helping hand.

Did it work?

Yes. Tax credits’ biggest achievement was lifting a record number of children out of poverty since the war. The proportion of children living below the poverty line fell from 35 per cent in 1998/9 to 19 per cent in 2012/13.

So what’s the problem?

Well, it’s a bit of a weird system in that it lets companies pay wages that are too low to live on without the state supplementing them. Many also criticise tax credits for allowing the minimum wage – also brought in by New Labour – to stagnate (ie. not keep up with the rate of inflation). David Cameron has called the system of taxing low earners and then handing them some money back via tax credits a “ridiculous merry-go-round”.

Then it’s a good thing to scrap them?

It would be fine if all those low earners and families struggling to get by would be given support in place of tax credits – a living wage, for example.

And that’s why the Tories are introducing a living wage...

That’s what they call it. But it’s not. The Chancellor announced in his most recent Budget a new minimum wage of £7.20 an hour for over-25s, rising to £9 by 2020. He called this the “national living wage” – it’s not, because the current living wage (which is calculated by the Living Wage Foundation, and currently non-compulsory) is already £9.15 in London and £7.85 in the rest of the country.

Will people be better off?

No. Quite the reverse. The IFS has said this slightly higher national minimum wage will not compensate working families who will be subjected to tax credit cuts; it is arithmetically impossible. The IFS director, Paul Johnson, commented: “Unequivocally, tax credit recipients in work will be made worse off by the measures in the Budget on average.” It has been calculated that 3.2m low-paid workers will have their pay packets cut by an average of £1,350 a year.

Could the government change its policy to avoid this?

The Prime Minister and his frontbenchers have been pretty stubborn about pushing on with the plan. In spite of criticism from all angles – the IFS, campaigners, Labour, The Sun – Cameron has ruled out a review of the policy in the Autumn Statement, which is on 25 November. But there is an alternative. The chair of parliament’s Work & Pensions Select Committee and Labour MP Frank Field has proposed what he calls a “cost neutral” tweak to the tax credit cuts.

How would this alternative work?

Currently, if your income is less than £6,420, you will receive the maximum amount of tax credits. That threshold is called the gross income threshold. Field wants to introduce a second gross income threshold of £13,100 (what you earn if you work 35 hours a week on minimum wage). Those earning a salary between those two thresholds would have their tax credits reduced at a slower rate on whatever they earn above £6,420 up to £13,100. The percentage of what you earn above the basic threshold that is deducted from your tax credits is called the taper rate, and it is currently at 41 per cent. In contrast to this plan, the Tories want to halve the income threshold to £3,850 a year and increase the taper rate to 48 per cent once you hit that threshold, which basically means you lose more tax credits, faster, the more you earn.

When will the tax credit cuts come in?

They will be imposed from April next year, barring a u-turn.

Anoosh Chakelian is deputy web editor at the New Statesman.