It’s a “Big Ask” for Ann Elka and her ilk

It's that time of the year to say, "It's this time of the year, so bring on the awards of the season."

Haircut of the year. Been a poor season, no innovations, but beards are coming back. Darren Bent of Sunderland, Niko Kranjcar of Spurs,
Carlos Cuellar of Villa, James McFadden of Birmingham and Iker Casillas, the Real Madrid goalie, have been spotted with stuff on their chin. In their last home game, Wigan's Paul Scharner appeared with the back of his head shaved and painted blue with the words THANX. What sort of example is that for young people today, worried about their educashun?

Bye Bye. Portsmouth, a shame really, as their fans are always brilliant. At least Newcastle are back next season. Their fans are even brillianter.

Farewell. Becks. Will we see him, or his like, again?

Hello, hello. Gareth Bale of Spurs. Until January, no one had heard of him. And then . . .

Early baths. No English club made the semis in Europe. Disgraceful. All that money, all that hair gel. Yet ESPN is still shrieking that the Prem is the best league in the world. Let's hope our poor petals will therefore be fitter and less knackered for the World Cup.

Love hearts. We've had a few this season. For, oh, must have been days, all the back pages were drooling over Arsenal, the most beautiful team the world has ever seen. Then it was Barça, kissy kissy, you are so pretty, and witty and gay. OK, take back gay. But, in the end, both were crap when it mattered in Europe.

Women. Still no female commentators, unless you count Anne D Gray, har har. But we have quite a few playing in the Prem such as Ann Elka of Chelsea, Germaine Defoe of Spurs, plus Gill Berto of Brazil.

Girls. It was strange to see all the close-ups of pretty girls in the crowd at the Inter-Barça game, for no reason whatsoever, except they were pretty girls. These Italians, huh? It used to be such a cliché on British TV, but our directors are now too obsessed by close-ups of Fergie chewing or Harry twitching.

Clichés. If I hear any mention of a “Big Ask" next season, I will scream.

Big four. At least that phrase should now take on a new meaning. Arsenal hung on but Liverpool lost their grip, slipping down. Has their hold gone for ever?

Manager of the year. Must be 'Arry. Or is it 'Odgson ?

Phrases to remember. "So be it, that's how I see it," said Graham Taylor, coming out with something totally banal. Chris Waddle on Kieran Richardson of Sunderland: "He's got the brains of a rocking horse." Ooh, he's so rude.

Look out for. Blackpool, if they come up. I think there should be a law that one club which has never been
in the Prem, as been down in the depths of the divisions, has rubbish gates and an ancient ground that still features adverts for local butchers, should come up every year. Also, I like tangerine shirts.

Fingers crossed. For the World Cup in South Africa. I'll be back for it in four weeks. Hold tight.

Hunter Davies is a journalist, broadcaster and profilic author perhaps best known for writing about the Beatles. He is an ardent Tottenham fan and writes a regular column on football for the New Statesman.

This article first appeared in the 17 May 2010 issue of the New Statesman, On a tightrope