Watching Euro 2008 brings out the strangest feelings

It's bringing out strange feelings, watching Euro 2008. Nasty ones when France and Italy suffered a defeat: ha ha, serves you right, you bastards, up your bum, hee hee hee.

So petty, childish, pathetic. Is it sour grapes because England didn't make it? Or schadenthingy? I'm too tired to look up the correct spelling on spellcheck, not that I have one on this vintage Amstrad, fell off about ten years ago.

Is it because we have an image of France and Italy being flash and glamorous - wine, women, fashion, all that? We grey, boring Brits are envious of them, so we enjoy it when they take a tumble. I like to think my reactions are football-based. Italy and France have had such success, won so much in recent years, that it's good for other countries to have their turn.

The collapse of Italy has been put down to their age. I think it's their hair. Far too long and dated, floppy and limp, compared with the efficient, sharp Dutch, who have short backs and sides. Even Ruud van Nistelrooy has had a bit of a crop and looks less like a public school boy.

I knew the game was up for the Italians when Gianluigi Buffon, their goalie, appeared in the first match with a headscarf. Not a thin headband, in the Italian manner, more of a scarf, the sort Ena Sharples would have been proud of. They got stuffed by Holland. Then, in the second game, a dreadful draw with Romania, it had slipped and was being worn round his neck, like a pirate. From Coronation Street to the Caribbean in two games.

But I am fond of the French goalie, Grégory Coupet. His name takes me back many years to when I was writing the Atticus column in the Sunday Times. I had heard that the car firm Lotus, famous for the Lotus Elan, was bringing out a sporty model, to be called the Elan Coupé. However, it couldn't call it that in France - as Elan Coupé can mean coitus interruptus. I don't know whether any of this was true, but the joke, such as it was, never appeared. The acting editor killed it. Too childish.

Rather than France and Italy, I want Austria and Switzerland to do well. Rubbish teams, almost as rubbish as England, but I don't know how much it matters to a host country. For four years they've been planning and hoping, cleaning and decorating, so just a little bit of success would be nice for them. "Why?" asked my wife. "They're boring, rich, fat, comfortable countries. Why would you want them to win anything?"

The ones she wants to win are Croatia, Poland and Romania - for political reasons. They have been through so much in recent years, suffered wars, poverty, oppression. She also has a soft spot for Russia, even though the country is now full of capitalist pigs. Ordinary Russians have had a hundred years with little cheer.

I hadn't actually thought of politics as a reason for supporting a country. The Croatians do seem to be the most patriotic and emotional when their anthem is sung. And, of course, their team still is poor - in the sense of being badly paid compared to the fat-cat Italians, Germans and Spaniards. So economics, that could be another reason.

I imagine that right across Europe, all the millions watching must have their own personal prejudices, nasty motives and dodgy feelings when they watch certain countries. And I have no doubt the biggest pleasure of all, the thing that makes them smile even now, is the absence of England. Ha ha, serves them right, arrogant, overpaid gits, think their league is the best in the world, hee hee hee.

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