What's the point of studio "experts" saying what we already know?

My wife hates it when they clear the decks on BBC1 for some stupid England football game. Why do they do it, when there are all those channels showing nothing but stupid football? Not that she watches TV, being an hintellectual and too busy reading . . . well, perhaps Holby City. It's just the principle of football being imposed on the whole nation that she objects to.

By chance, she switched on to the beginning of England-Russia, when the great studio brains were setting the scene.

"Good God, what is the point of them?" she asked, when I came down at half-time from watching in my own room. "Everything they said was totally banal and obvious. I could do better."

Ooh, it's harder than you think, my petal. Gary Lineker has people shouting in his ear, has to link into the next clip, keep it all going. Which he does very well. When he began, his awful Midlands voice grated on me (that's if Leicester is in the Midlands) and he was stiff and nervous. Now he's so relaxed. Even his voice is pleasanter.

But as for the panel, she probably could do as well. She reads the sports pages, knows all the names. In fact, any half-awake fan could do just as well as the so-called studio experts. They tell us what we all know, or have seen, then tip England to win.

So what is their point? Alan Hansen is obviously there for the ladies, with his dark good looks, though Percy Montgomery, what a hunk, the blond South African goalkicker, must have a bigger fan club by now - all swooning. He's a cross between Robert Redford and Roy of the Rovers and makes Becks look like a jessie.

Ian Wright is there for the lads in the pub, so they can all laugh and jeer at his overexcited nonsense, but love him as a character. Alan Shearer, hmm, I've thought long and hard, but still can't see any point in him. God knows I've given him time to settle, but he still tightens his eyes, looks dead serious, then comes out with the utter bleedin' obvious. Our tortoise could do better, never mind my missus.

I honestly believe any proper fan could do as well, as long as they were talking about their own particular team. They watch it more than any studio guest, home and away, know weeks before the rest of the football nation who is playing well, know all the subs, their strengths and weaknesses. Yet there is an assumption from the football media that fans know nuffink.

When I was following Spurs in the Seventies for a book, the first wave of modern hooligans had arrived, standing massed on the terraces, looking for a fight. I spent one weekend travelling with them and was surprised by their knowledge and perception. I had the privilege of being in the dressing room, observing Bill Nicholson at first hand from the inside, yet the hooligans had missed nothing. Their theories on how to motivate Martin Chivers were just as good as Bill Nicks's.

When it's England or an English team playing a foreign team, I don't know why they don't have a fan of the foreign team in the studio. He or she will have seen them all season, know all the players, be able to predict patterns, whereas the so-called studio experts know bugger all about most foreign teams - it was apparent with the Russians. They didn't know one player.

So how's your Russian, pet? Ready for the away game? Yes, I know it's years since we watched Moscow Spartak in the Lenin Stadium, but you could mug it up. And I'll get you a subscription to the Croatian sports papers. You could be huge.

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