A life of first-class travel and lounging around isn't so bad
Becks won't make the vital Euro 2008 qualifiers against Israel and Russia. He's injured, poor petal. Made worse, so everyone has declared, by living in California and having to fly a 10,000-mile round trip to play for England, plus a good few thousand miles a week inside the US and another transglobal flight to have his photo taken in Japan to sell whatever his photo is selling that particular week.
People believe that Lottery winners end up unhappy, but this is a compensatory myth - to make up for not winning. People read about famous footballers having to do all these enormous journeys, off to the Ivory Coast to play for their country, back for Newcastle in the League, then Rome for a Euro game. God, it must be hellish, how do they stand it, I feel sorry for them. Glad I never got that apprenticeship at Carlisle United.
The rich are different from you and me, tra la, and so are footballers. Today, they travel first class, able to have a proper sleep in a full-length bed. But most importantly, travelling is what footballers do, have always done and will always do. They're used to it, being cow-like, accepting souls. Their bodies and minds have been trained to go into a deep soothing slump so they have no idea where they are, what day it is, what country, what planet, how much time has passed, until suddenly some ruffian says, "Wake up, you wanker, get your boots on."
Wayne Rooney, spotted by Everton at nine, was travelling continents to play football from the age of 13 - when he went to play in a tournament in Dallas, Texas. At 13, I still hadn't been further south than Penrith and, gosh, that was exotic, all that red sandstone.
Here in Loweswater, we had a flood recently and an emergency plumber came to fix it. He told me he drives 2,000 miles a week. He's based in Lancaster and over weekends he covers Cumbria. I don't drive as many miles as that in a year, and I hate every mile - how could he stand it, how awful. He said he's used to it.
I reckoned he must spend ten times as long travelling as he does plumbing. Which must be similar to a footballer. Just lifted that figure from the air, but based on my deep knowledge of the personal life of top footballers, this is my estimate of what they do in an average 24 hours.
Sleeping and semi-sleeping: This is higher than the norm because players are meant to have two hours in their bedroom before each game. Most get on the bed, but just doze, listen to music or play with themselves - on some computer game. After training, on a non-playing day, they also loll on the sofa in their flip-flops, Sky Sports news flickering in the corner, while they semi-doze, sometimes actually falling asleep. Average daily total - 12 hours.
Travelling: Two hours going back and forward each day for training. A Prem game requires around six hours, there and back; an overseas game about ten hours, plus they always have to be there early, so there's endless waiting in airports and hotels. Average five hours.
Training: From 10am till noon, plus extra work or gym stuff. Average two and a half hours.
Watching TV: While awake, and also eating. Average two hours.
Social: Club or party after a game, once or twice a week. One hour.
Playing: Two games a week equals 180 minutes over seven days. Average 26 minutes.
Commercial work: Twice a week with sponsor. Average 25 minutes.
Charity: Local hospital once a week. Average 12 minutes.
Reading: Books nil, newspapers ten minutes.
Sex: Nine minutes, but not before a match or at half-time. It's not allowed.
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