A few weeks into the season, and the Prem is as surreal as ever
So far, what do you think? I know we've only had a few games, but enough has happened to leave most fans pretty confused.
Benítez, the Liverpool manager. What a shock. Who would have thought he had it in him, or at least inside his chin? Then bingo, out has popped a scruffy goatee and dodgy tash. We all had him down as a boring, fat little station clerk, but in his self-image he's a Pirate of the Caribbean. A bit creepy, though, when he's sending on a sub, patting the backs of young, fit, energetic male flesh, like an elderly fashion designer pushing a young model on to the catwalk.
Alan Smith, commenting on a Chelsea game, got me really confused. "Will this be the season that Shaun Wright-Phillips finds his feet in a Chelsea shirt?" If so, his running style is going to be even funnier than usual.
Alan Hansen. Did he not have a summer hol? Poor lad, having a burn mark or a cold sore lingering on for weeks, making us all worry if he's ill or fallen out with his BBC make-up lassies.
New players to the Prem. Mostly foreign, of course, but there are a few interesting new English faces, such as Michael Johnson of Man City. With his floppy hair, he reminds me of Peter Barnes, Man City's floppy winger. Johnson looks good, for his age, which must be, hmm, ten getting on 11?
Best young Englisher so far is, of course, Micah Richards, but I hope he realises that all the raving and kiss-kissing from the back pages and TV commentators will turn to a good kicking when England next get stuffed. Probably in a few days' time.
Blue Square. What is it? A cement company, a tacky nightclub, some stupid internet betting nonsense? At least I knew why the Conference was called the Conference. After a pear. Next . . .
Them has made a terrific return. Three times in one BBC Match of the Day I heard it. "Ready for them games," said Steve McClaren. "One of them shots," opined Alan Shearer. "You get them games," said the ever wise Michael Owen.
Emirates Stadium. Is it my eyes or the TV cameras? All those millions spent, yet when the sun comes out, half the pitch is a mosaic of confusing shapes and patterns.
Strikers. Once again, they are the most desirable objects in any football team, especially at the top. If you can't finish, why start? Best just to stay in the dressing room. Which is why I predict that Chelsea and Liverpool will end the season as top two. They each have proper strikers, like Didier Drogba and Claudio Pizarro, Fernando Torres and Dirk Kuyt. Man United and Arsenal will be three and four, 'cos they ain't got enough proper, dedicated strikers. Unless you're counting John O'Shea, as Fergie seems to.
As for Fergie, interesting how no one predicted he was for the chop, unlike Martin Jol, after his lousy start to the season.
The German manager of the team who beat England. Is he a male model? Looked yummy in his arty designer scarf. Eat your heart out, Raffy.
Aston Villa, ahead of the game as ever, making all other clubs seem slow and dozy. On 11 August, I clearly saw a huge notice at their ground which read: "Book your Xmas party at Villa Park."
Very confusing chant. "There's only one Keano." Sung by both crowds when Spurs were playing Sunderland.
Least confusing remark. "Keep them high balls low," said someone on Sky. Totally understandable, as much as anything will be understandable in football this season . . .
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