It's the end of the season and time for Hunter Davies to announce his awards

It's that time again, so here goes, the long-awaited awards.

Haircut of the year: Not given last season, but several contenders this time. David James had an excellent beard, but stupidly took it off. It then got picked up by Roy Keane, who added some groovy grey bits. And Joleon Lescott, of Everton - his hair is a mystery with that funny shaved line. Is it deliberate or is it physiological? If so, we shouldn't mock. So step forward, once again, the one and only Becks. Brilliant late dash to appear with the bleachiest hair ever. Could be his last time on the list. It not only makes him look like a Hollywood rent boy - but old, too.

Scottish team of the year: Gretna, population 2,700, little more than a Sunday league team five years ago, next season in the SPL, after the most extraordinary rise in any of the world's professional leagues. Amazing that something so exciting should happen in such a dreary town. I used to dread going there when I had a holiday job on the Carlisle Journal. What a dump, nothing had happened there since the First World War, when it really was a dump, an arms dump, making munitions.

English team of the year: Liverpool might be, after next week. Meanwhile, well done Dagenham and Redbridge, another team from nowhere, getting promoted from the Conference. A friend who follows them sent me a programme and at long last I know who West & Coe, the name on their shirts, are - funeral directors. Didn't kill off their chances, ha ha. Look out for equally witty comments next season.

Best lookalike: Lawrie Sanchez, who's got the Fulham job, was looking grim-faced in his specs and I thought heh up, it's the young Harold Pinter.

Best quote: David Pleat on Cristiano Ronaldo. "He bears comparison with the incomparable George Best."

Worst quote: Andy Gray, when bowled an easy one from Martin Tyler. "Hmm." Perhaps he was eating a boiled sweet at the time. Closely followed by a pearl from Ray Wilkins. "My word."

Best new player: Berbatov of Spurs. Also the most paradoxical. There are not many players about whom one can say that he is a slow runner yet a fast mover.

Most confusing notice: Held up by a small boy in the crowd during England under-21 v Spain under-21. "England Tomin". I thought it was a new player I'd missed, till I realised he'd written the M upside down.

Most disappointing team: Arsenal. Don't think I've ever seen a top team dramatically fall asleep on the job with several weeks still to go.

Most depressing words of the year: "Now over to Clive Allen on the bench for some comments on the game so far . . ."

Saddest player: Aaron Lennon. Still wearing gloves, even at the end of a tropical season. Hasn't he heard of global warming?

Most changed player: Michael Owen. Look at that chunky jawline, and that upper body. What a hunk wee Micky has become. It hasn't improved his football, or his luck. So far.

Groundsman of the year: The bloke at Spurs won it for best condition but I would have given it to the Goodison man for artistic endeavour. Throughout the season we've had some pretty patterns of turf topiary, but his concentric circles were a masterpiece. Oft did they take my mind off a boring game.

Most overhyped player: Cristiano Ronald0. Just when he won all the awards, he started having some rubbish games.

And that's it, gone. Roll on next season . . .

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