To start the ball rolling, I decide to ring the FA and make an offer

It was pretty silly of me, suggesting that the solution to England's problems would be to close down the England team. Just because the FA is useless and the present manager clueless, that's no way to talk. Too defeatist. So chin up.

For a start, the FA has done mega-deals and got trillions lined up from TV, merchandising and sponsorship. We don't want all that going to waste before I've found out what e.on means.

It or they or them are the new sponsors of the FA Cup. It arrived behind my back, while I wasn't concentrating. Perhaps there are some letters missing? Or is e.on short for something? And how on earth do you pronounce it. Is it like the sound a donkey makes or is it like Ian, the boy's name? I never knew what O2 meant, when it was plastered on Arsenal's shirts, but now fortunately it's gone.

We also need the FA to continue to sort out the mess over the academy system and the lack of Brit-born players in the Prem. The FA used to have a National Football School, but that's disappeared.

If only we had a half-decent England manager, Paul Scholes would still be in the fold. He retired early because he was well and truly pissed off with the England set-up. I'm sure it applies to most of the players. You can tell it's a right drag for them, playing for England. I think Venables feels the same, hence his call to end those boring, pointless "friendlies".

So, if the FA and England team have to continue, the obvious thing - which I should have thought of first - is to sell the FA.

It's a natural progression. Almost a third of the Prem clubs are now foreign-owned. Other national institutions have gone, like British Steel and British Airports, or are up for grabs, like the Stock Exchange. If Thames Water can be owned by Australians, why not the FA? Nothing is sacred. Nothing is for ever.

I'm sure Gordon Brown would approve. There's a better chance of securing the 2018 World Cup if we had a dynamic, not a dozy, FA.

To start the ball rolling, I decided to ring the FA and make an offer. Private equity is all the rage. All you do is buy a company using its own money, then asset-strip. The FA is rolling in it. Last year, it had £60m going spare, which it poured back into football.

"Er, you're not a charity, are you?" I asked an FA spokesman. That could bugger things up.

"No, we're a non-profit-making organisation."

"Excellent," I said. "Can you just tell me," I continued, sounding a bit like Melvyn Bragg on In Our Time, "who are your shareholders?"

He had to go and get some details, while in my head I was working out how much the FA's Soho Square HQ might be worth. I'd relocate to Workington or Maryport. Some cracking bargains there, according to the Cumberland News.

"There are 91 members of the FA council, all shareholders."

I happen to have the current FA Year Book, which names them all, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

"Plus 233 full members . . ."

Hmm, not sure what they are.

"Oh, and the 771 County FAs are also shareholders."

God, my postage bill is going to be ginormous.

"But none of their shares are transferable, so, sorry, you can't buy us."

Ah, ha, that's what he thinks. Entrepreneurs don't take no for an answer. I've been on to Rupert Murdoch and Sky. We're going into this together. My brains. Their post room. Watch this space.

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