It got off to an iffy start, but now the season looks promising

Over halfway through the season, it's time to take socks.

Man United to win? In the 14 seasons since the Premiership began, five who topped the League at Xmas went on to be champions. Not sure what that stat indicates. But the sight of OAP Fergie, still top, going all jolly and friendly, could be scary. I hope they do it, if just to prove to Abramovich that money can't buy you love.

Lennon and McCartney: If Aaron (Spurs) and George (West Ham) are both on the pitch when they meet in March, it will give the commentators some easy lines.

Commentator's uneasy image: Tony Gale, commenting on Bolton v West Ham, observed: "Bolton are tight up their back sides."

Longest pass in the Prem: From Ireland to Jordan (both called Stephen, both play for Man City).

Earliest variation of this joke: I discovered the following, in an Aston Villa programme of January 1907, exactly 100 years ago: "Why has Villa's goalie got the best vision in football? Because he can see Miles in front of him?" (Miles was Villa's right-back.)

Rudest names: A feast of schoolboy fun when Watford and Man City next meet and fans can shout for either Shittu or Dickov.

Funny foreigners: Rushing in to buy our clubs has been a feature of the season so far. Will they be fleeing, come summer?

Most expensive disappointments: Andriy Shevchenko and Michael Ballack at Chelsea. Inevitable, really, when you buy goods superfluous to requirements, no better than you already have.

Best chants: "Where were you when you were shit?" - Everton fans shouting at Chelsea fans. "Were you in Germany?" directed at Frank Lampard.

Best commentator: As we still await Big Ron's Second Coming, my favourite is Chris Kamara. Andy Gray is now acting the part of Andy Gray. All original comment or observation has gone.

Best new words: "Instadances", coined by Richard Keys of Sky when he clearly couldn't decide whether something was instant or an incident. Also "remify", by Mark Lawrenson, as in "England have six months to remify it". Plus marks for trying hard to Jamie Redknapp for "got to applicate himself".

Most knackered player: Kerimoglu Tugay of Blackburn. Looks like a dosser who has slept on a cardboard bed, but the lad, sorry, old bloke, done great so far.

Most exciting player: Cristiano Ronaldo of Man United - the real Portuguese Special One. Followed by Didier Drogba of Chelsea.

But the best player: Is Paul Scholes. No question.

Most amusing hair: Not awarded for two seasons, as Becks was in his pomp, or pompadour. It now goes to David James of Portsmouth. Is it real, his new slick, thick hair, or a wig left over from a 1950s Brylcreem ad?

Three cheers: For Reading, for not moaning at the ref all the time or disputing decisions.

Congratulations: Moritz Völz of Fulham - partly for scoring the Premiership's 15,000th goal, but mostly for riding a bike and walking to games. It was another German, Jürgen Klinsmann, who first put two fingers up to the Prem's Ferrari culture by driving an ancient VW.

Things to look forward to: Next half-season, with nine Brit teams still in Europe. Best for ages.

Meanwhile: I'm off on my summer hols. On my return, will Chelsea have a complete new team, having bought up anyone half decent, or someone who can dribble, someone who can defend? Do hope so. It would be so much easier for silly jokes if Lennon and McCartney actually played together . . .

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