Arsenal's Emirates stadium is the last word in comfort and stats
Which would you rather be: a theatre critic, a film critic, a TV critic or a football critic?
Theatre critics don't pay and they get a free programme, but that's about it. They have good seats, but right among ordinary paying folks with their noisy habits and silly laughs, whom they have to squeeze past. They buy their own drinks and don't get to meet the stars or directors afterwards.
Film critics don't have to sit with the great unwashed, but mostly they are in some airless, smelly viewing cinema in a Soho basement at some stupid time of day. TV critics can view videos at home, but what a life, poor sods, seeing no one, going nowhere.
I've just been to Arsenal's new ground, the Emirates, and I couldn't believe the press facilities. There are two enormous press lounges, big enough to play five-a-sides, and 120 workstations with plug-in power and ISBN leads, and a help desk with two people to tell you that it's not actually ISBN. Hunt, you're thinking of the book codes.
Apart from the programme and team sheet, Barclays, which sponsors the Premiership, gives out 16 pages of stats, most of which you'd never use in your life, such as woodwork strikes per team and shots without scoring. You could fill up your match report without doing any bleedin' work.
The food and wine on display before kick-off was ever so tasteful - Continental cold meats, tuna and pasta salad, plus a huge choice of fruit. For the traditional hack, there were hot pies at half-time, so they didn't suffer from culture shock.
The actual press box is one flight up directly from the press lounges, so no need to mingle with ordinary folk. It has facilities for 112 press and radio match reporters, which can go up to 150 for a big European game. Lots of space, so you don't have to push past other people to get to your seat.
Amanda Docherty, head of communications, and her staff of 14, were on hand with anything difficult, such as the spelling of Jeremie Aliadiere, plus his career stats. He was making a rare appearance for Arsenal.
I asked her if she was the only female head of a Premiership press department. "I don't see myself as a woman press officer," she replied smartly. "I'm a press officer." In fact, there are quite a few, notably at Fulham and Portsmouth.
Each week, Amanda has to deal with requests from all over the world, particularly from France, Spain, Germany and the Far East, apart from the British media.
Afterwards, we all filed into a proper auditorium, like a mini National Theatre, where the two managers were brought in one at a time to answer cheeky questions. Harry Redknapp, manager of Portsmouth, appeared first. When asked about his first visit to the new stadium, he went off down memory lane. "I used to come to Highbury with me dad on the 86 bus. I remember him saying to me, 'See that old bloke selling newspapers? That's Jimmy Logie, the best Arsenal player I ever saw.' I don't expect many of the present players will end up selling papers in the street."
No one wrote this pearl down, sighing over their laptops, waiting for some banal comment about Wenger being sent off, but I did. I was there for the experience and the colour.
Most critics, be they theatre or football, are considered to know nothing, have done nothing, to understand fuck all, by the performers they are writing about. At least in Premiership football these days, they get access and comfort.
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