Julian Assange speaks from the Ecuadorian embassy on December 20, 2012 in London, England. Photo: Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images
Show Hide image

A short history of Julian Assange's most pointless media moments

The Wikileaks founder does a great line in non-news announcements. Let's look back on them with boredom following today's press conference, where he said he may leave the Ecuadorian embassy "soon". 

Today, Julian Assange summoned a press conference, only to deliver the non-news that he is planning to leave the Ecuadorian embassy “soon”. While denying that this was because of medical reasons, he neglected to give details on why, and when, and how, he would leave. In light of this rather pointless announcement, this mole has dug around for a round-up of some of the least newsworthy Assange moments.

For instance, the time he celebrated his two-year anniversary of entering the Ecuadorian embassy by rather ambitiously calling for the US Attorney General, Eric Holder, to resign. Eric Holder did not resign. 

Or when he taunted the UK government in a speech given from the balcony of the Ecuadorian embassy. The event attracted fans and journalists alike, but mainly consisted of Assange smugly thanking those who had helped him – more reminiscent of an emotional Oscars speech than anything else. 

Then there was this publicity stunt with ex-footballer Eric Cantona – which led to the announcement of... well, nothing. 

Or this sombre exchange of two rather snazzy discs, apparently containing the details of over 2,000 bank accounts which Assange pledged to reveal in 2011. We’re still waiting for the "full revelation" he promised... 

Of course, we haven’t forgotten this cringeworthy video of Assange lip-synching along to this Australian cheesy hit, as part of a publicity stunt for his election campaign to the Australian Senate. 

I'm a mole, innit.

Show Hide image

Pro-Trump site “reveals” Hillary Clinton’s “hitman and secret sex fixer” to be… Ed Miliband

Unsubstantiated cobblers? Why not spice it up with a picture of the former leader of the Labour party awkwardly standing?

The weekly pro-Trump supermarket tabloid, The National Enquirer, ran an unsubstantiated story recently allegedly quoting a former Hillary Clinton bag carrier. The source, described as a “hitman” and “fixer”, provided a WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!!! about all the things that Clinton supposedly made him do – involving (hold your horses, America!) sex and money.

The story was picked up by a pro-Trump site called American News, and other murky corners of the internet’s alt-right, and illustrated with an even more bollocks (if that’s possible) photo. It’s a picture of Bill Clinton shaking Nick Clegg’s hand – with Ed Miliband lurking nearby, giving them the side-eye.

Looks familiar, right?

But never mind that this photo was taken three years ago at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service. Never mind that it accuses the former leader of the UK Labour party of being in the pocket of the Clintons. Never mind that even the circle highlighting him was copied from the Mail. Never mind that Ed Miliband, face furrowed in suspicion, hand damply resting on his front, resembling an awkward and aggrieved butler, would be the last person to have the wherewithal to arrange discreet sordid liaisons anyway. It’s a picture on the internet, folks!

Let’s take our country out of the hands of these failed innocuous Bridish politicians and make America great again!

I'm a mole, innit.