Wedding

Untangle your bunting, unpack your Union Jack pyjamas, ceremonially position your souvenir mug collection on the freshly dusted windowsill, for it is here: the ro-o-o-yal wedding! (Or, hide in a cupboard, put a sack over your head and count backwards from 375,412. There's a chance people will have stopped talking about it by the time you emerge. Correction: no one will ever stop talking about it. Ever.)

Never have a nation's media produced quite so much nuptial-flavoured drivel. You have to admire the sheer creativity required to come up with this stuff: "Huzzah! Cameron will wear a morning suit!" (Telegraph), "Who, What, Why: How do you get a coat of arms?" (BBC), "Kate Middleton's family: just how rich are the Middletons?" (Daily Mail). The Americans have gone loopy for it, too. "Reese Witherspoon wants to crash the royal wedding" (Hollyscoop). And if old Witherspoon wants to go, it must be big.

What will people write about when the wedding is over? Has anyone thought about that? I imagine the Daily Mail being forced, for the first time in its history, to publish a blank newspaper, with only a picture of a pancake that bears an unlikely but unmistakeable resemblance to Stalin on the cover, plus a 40-page undercover investigation into how Muslims are infiltrating your park.

To wed, etymologically speaking, is to promise. Wedding comes from the Old English weddian: "to pledge, covenant to do something, marry". Kate's Pledge, as the royal wedding should now be known, is a many-pronged thing. She has pledged to marry William, yes, but also to live on Anglesey, to have supernaturally shiny hair, Not To Get Fat (this would be punishable), never to have one of those days when she feels a bit rough round the edges and snaps at people for no reason, to suffer global speculation about her fertility and to spend all her Christmases with Harry. In that light, you have to admire the girl. Forget Nick Clegg and tuition fees - this is the Ultimate Pledge.

But back to the fun: "Craft group knit bunny royal wedding" (South Wales Argus). That's right. Kate and Wills. As bunnies. Knitted bunnies.