Calling Carol Vorderman
Have you ever been to Davos?
Absurd question. Of course, you haven't. Why would anyone go anywhere near the snow-capped monstrosity? It's cold, it's dark, and it's boring. As for the World Economic Forum, well, that's just a poor man's Bilderberg Group full of wannabe hommes sérieux. Frankly, I have had more intelligent conversations towards the end of a Bullingdon dinner than I had in bloody Switzerland last week.
No matter, David continues to believe the party should strive to be inclusive (a waste of time, to my mind, and faintly patronising), so any Tory with half a brain was despatched on an expenses-paid non-jolly to the canton of Graubünden. My brief was to go in search of an in-house economist for the party and sound out the three possible contenders, who were (I kid you not) Will Hutton (Observer), Anatole Kaletsky (Times) and Jeff Randall (Sky).
If you drop Kaletsky, this has the makings of a decent batting line-up, but not a brains trust with which to go to war or enter an election. I mentioned to Andy Coulson (ex-News of the World) that the list might be seen as slightly journalist-heavy. "Where," I asked, "are the emeritus professors?" He had no reply. Maybe, having been, as he ceaselessly informs us, educated at the University of Life (aka the Bizarre column at the Sun newspaper under the tutelage of Piers Morgan) the title emeritus professor was beyond him. Maybe he is just rude.
Anyhow, I did as bidden, and from my table at Hübli's Landhaus - the only Michelin-starred restaurant in godforsaken Davos - subtly went about my work.
First up was Randall, who surprised me by ordering fondue. Now, I am as fond of dipping bread in melted cheese as the next man, but it struck me as something of a waste of a Michelin chef's talents to require him to chop bread and heat Emmenthal. Still, each to his own, and Jeff, to his credit, turned out to be as straightforward as his meal order. This would be fine in a boom market; Randall has plenty of energy and, incidentally, does a fine Murdoch impersonation. But complex times call for complex minds.
Next up was Kaletsky, with whom I could happily lunch for the rest of my days. He has a gift for appearing to talk sense. That he is often (always?) wrong is an irrelevance, for we live in an age where perception weighs heavier than reality. We motored along and I was a brandy away from offering him a lucrative lordship, and other graces and favours, when the so-called economist blurted: "I think Brown deserves a Nobel," and our negotiations ended in a splutter of Rémy Martin.
Finally, Hutton, who arrived in tremendous form, laughed heartily at my bon mot about having travelled from The State We're In to The Mess We're In, and was just about to order his starter when he was called away by his employers to write "a Guardian blog on the implications of Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg wearing a tie". Not exactly the subject matter, or format, we were hoping for from our chief economist. Serious times call for serious minds.
Thereafter, we fell back on communicating by email, with Hutton asking if I was "ready to go all the way?" and generally banging on about the need to push the boat out and avoid comfort zones.
On my return, I reported in to Coulson that none of the candidates was suitable and, ignoring me, he replied, "I think we may have got Vorderman." And there on the screen were pictures of Carol and David striding out into the snow. Margaret famously produced a copy of Hayek's The Constitution of Liberty from her handbag; David, it seems, is more likely to say, "One from the top and five from the bottom, please, Carol."
