Set by Leonora Casement It's time for you, as well-mannered people, to write all your thank-you letters . . . even for those presents you truly detest

Report by Ms de Meaner

Coo! I especially liked the goat that wasn’t forced to travel all the way to Africa. Surreal. £20 to each of you; £5 book tokens to the two who had lines excerpted. The Tesco vouchers will be sent, in addition, to David Silverman for going that extra inch.

Dear Auntie Flo

How thoughtful: imagine my surprise when I opened your gift – an “Experience of a Lifetime” voucher entitling me to a free bungee-jumping holiday in the Andes! As you know, I’ve been in the doldrums recently, waiting so long for the hip replacement. And with only the cognitive behaviour therapy sessions for my agoraphobia and anxiety neurosis to look forward to each week, life has been quite dull, to tell the truth. So when I opened your card, it literally took my breath away – in fact, I actually reached for my inhaler. The minute I’ve taken down the decorations – once I can summon the energy and courage to face that ladder – I’ll ask my therapist about the flights to Cuzco.

David Silverman

Dear Aunt Madge

Thanks very much for the Brut. Clever of you to have chosen the ’05 too, as it was a first-class year for butylene glycol, with its nutty, tarry aftertaste. The ’04 was, in my view at least, too tannic and too blocky. As for the ’03, well, just too punchy and not enough lychee perfume, nor was it bouncy enough – too soupy. And the unoaked blends just miss the point. No, the ’05 is just the ticket with its gooseberry bouquet, which stands out from the other benzyl benzoate varietals, and the berry nose is given its lush character by the sodium stearate. Next year, could you pack it in a large cardboard box? Cheers.

Josh Ekroy

Dear Aunt Harriet

Your choice of a goat for our family present was inspired. How charitable of you to spare her a long journey to Africa. The children named her Hattie in your honour. What an appetite she had for Xmas dinner: 12 “Chubby Cherubs”, one Nativity set, my iPod and a sack of oats. But an unforeseen calamity on Boxing Day! Sparring playfully with Buster, our Labrador, she skewered the Freeview box during a rerun of the Queen’s Speech and was fatally electrocuted. But at least she had a royal send-off and, on a brighter note, she’s “sleeping” in the freezer waiting for our summer barbecue. Everyone is looking forward to repaying your generosity; please come. We know you love kebabs.

Your loving nephew . . .

Peter Regan

. . . to tell you the truth, I hadn’t realised that Max Bygraves had recorded such a grand treasury of memorable tunes. I find I can’t get them out of my head.

Basil Ransome-Davies

. . . we plan to try it out just as soon as Lionel can find someone to translate the instructions.

G M Davis

No 4012 Delivers added value

Set by J Seery

We want extracts from a 21st-century management consultant’s report on heaven or hell – suggesting, for example, stricter demarcation of functions between cherubim and seraphim, or a reduction in the number of pits in hell from seven to four.

Max 125 words by 24 January

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website