Observations on the police

Recently, the manager of Chelsea Football Club, José Mourinho, was arrested and cautioned over what the press dubbed "the curious incident of the dog in the night-time". The Mourinho family's pet terrier was suspected of a breach of quarantine laws, so the Animal Health and Welfare Service, and several police officers, investigated.

Two days earlier, a number of police officers had investigated an alleged "assault in a curry house", when the presenter of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?, Chris Tarrant, had been accused of throwing a piece of cutlery in a restaurant - "the curious incident of the cutlery in the night", perhaps. Aside from both incidents being quite diverting for anyone reading a newspaper, why on earth were police officers sent to such a hypothetical (and small-fry) incident about a football manager's dog, in Belgravia, at 8pm on a Tuesday night?

And why was Tarrant arrested for throwing a piece of cutlery? Of course the rich and famous must obey the same laws as we do, but aren't there sufficient rapists, murderers and counterfeiters to keep the police busy?

The Mourinho and Tarrant incidents are by no means extraordinary when it comes to misspent police energy. Jan Berry, chairman of the Police Federation of England and Wales, used the federation's recent conference to call for an end to the "target-driven culture" that forces ordinary police officers to pursue perpetrators of petty offences. An officer's success is now judged purely on number of arrests, cautions and on-the-spot fines. "Just talking to people and giving them a few words of advice cannot be counted as easily as a ticket can," Berry explained.

The federation, which represents more than 139,000 police officers, has published a dossier of "ludicrous" cases it claims are a by-product of the relentless pressure to meet Home Office targets. These include:

* A man from Cheshire cautioned for being "in possession of an egg with intent to throw".

* A child in Kent arrested after removing a slice of cucumber from a sandwich and throwing it at another youngster.

* Another Kentish child arrested for throwing buns at a bus.

* A West Midlands woman arrested on her wedding day for criminal damage after her foot slipped on her accelerator pedal and she damaged a car-park barrier.

* A 70-year-old pensioner from Cheshire arrested for cutting back a neighbour's conifer trees.

* A West Midlands officer told to caution a man for throwing a glass of water over his girlfriend.

* Two children from Manchester arrested for being in possession of a plastic toy pistol.

The day after the federation published its report, a man told the Today programme how his 13-year-old son had been arrested, questioned, fingerprinted and swabbed for a DNA sample after he was caught shoplifting a 49p packet of wine gums.

Mourinho and Tarrant, far from being singled out as celebs, turn out to be the surprisingly representative victims of a police force fixated with targets.

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