What was Boy George doing at Aintree?

Talk of a last-ditch attempt by fanatics to sink the Dreadnought that is Big Gordie amid plotting on HMS Belfast, a battlecruiser moored up the Thames from Downing Street. For Mandy, playing tearful Faye Turney, Alan Milburn, deputising for frightened Arthur Batchelor, and John Hutton, the hostage at the back who no one remembers, the war is not over. My mole at the birthday gathering for Darren Murphy, ex-Downing Street spinner, reported the mood was glum. With the jolly green giant David Miliband refusing to don a bandanna and be a kamikaze pilot, diehards fear they may have to send SS Charles Clarke down the slipway. Traditionally, vessels are launched with a bottle of champagne, so thirsty Clarke would be a willing volunteer.

Hail, Caesar Cameron! Druggie Dave has taken to sweeping through Westminster at the head of a phalanx of Cameroons carving their way through such lesser mortals as cabinet ministers. My man with the coffee cup was almost knocked over on the Portcullis House escalator, a ten-strong Tory legion giving no quarter. Contrast the coming man with yesterday's man, Tony Blair, who treads the same route with single pal in tow. Unctuous Anthony Steen, by the way, was inquiring where Druggie Dave intends to spend his summer hols but answer came there none.

Enjoying the hospitality of the Aintree chairman Lord Daresbury, with free lobster bisque and ticket to the Grand National, was the Tory bean-counter "Boy George" Osborne, ignoring his party's outrage over the expansion of gambling. That tribute to English fayre, Nicholas "Fatty" Soames, looked ill at ease north of Watford. George Howarth, the Labour bookie who pockets roughly £30k a year advising William Hill, proved a poor tipster. And what gathering could be complete without the Libido Democrat, Lembit Öpik, and his Cheeky Girl? The shock wasn't 33-1 Silver Birch's win, my informant tells me, but amorous Optic keeping his hands to himself.

Jon "Crusher" Cruddas now has the ultimate fashion accessory in the bun fight for the deputy's tiara: a spin-doctor. Amicus has seconded PR Catherine Bithell because, I'm reliably informed, bigwig "Del Boy" Simpson thinks the other candidates are - what was the term? - "shithouses".

The outgoing premier's first election visit to Wales was also his last. Labour big guns were relieved his tour was met with indifference: a few bemused onlookers at Cardiff City Hall. Rhodri Morgan isn't one to tempt fate. Wales's gain, it seems, is Scotland's loss, with Blair determined to visit his father's homeland before he must pay for his own flights.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror