Could you be a Barcelona footballer's personal Tweeter for £45,000?

Not too arduous a position…

Is this the best job in the world? MajorPlayers, a marketing recruitment consultancy, is advertising for a "Social Media Reporter", which will "give you the opportunity to report and manage the global social media activity for a huge football star… creating and sharing updates via social media channels including Facebook and Twitter" for a salary of £35,000 – £45,000.

Yes, you could have been paid £45,000 to be someone's Twitter butler.

The requirements are arduous — but not that arduous:

You need to keep the community in touch with the player during the playing season, as well as off season, with both on and off the pitch related content. You should have proven skills in social media and community management and development or solid skills in content and social journalism. Since you need to engage credibly with this sporting community, an excellent knowledge of football and a clear passion for the sport will be a distinct advantage. You must be bilingual with excellent writing and grammar in both Spanish and English and be happy to travel every week – usually to away games within Europe but sometimes further afield.

The job is based in Barcelona, which gives some hint as to who you might be ghosting. But could you really get in the head of Messi or Puyol?

Sadly, you'll never be able to find out: the position has already been filled. If someone's Twitter feed suddenly gets much more eloquent and bilingual shortly, we know who to blame…

The Barcelona squad. Photograph: Getty Images

Alex Hern is a technology reporter for the Guardian. He was formerly staff writer at the New Statesman. You should follow Alex on Twitter.

Joshua M. Jones for Emojipedia
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The emojis proposed for release in 2016 are faintly disturbing

Birds of prey, dead flowers and vomit: Emojipedia's vision for 2016. 

Since, as we're constantly being told, emojis are now the fastest growing languge in the UK, it seems only appropriate that its vocabulary should expand to include more commonly used images or ideas as its popularity increases. 

Next year, the Unicode Consortium, which decides which new codes can be added to the emoji dictionary, will approve a new round of symbols. So far, 38 suggestions have been accepted as candidates for the final selection. Emojipedia, an online emoji resource, has taken it upon itself to mock up the new symbols based on the appearance of existing emojis (though emojis are designed slightly differently by different operating systems like Apple or Android). The full list will be decided by Unicode in mid-2016. 

As it stands, the new selection is a little... well, dark. 

First, there are the faces: a Pinocchio-nosed lying face, a dribbling face, a nauseous face, an upset-looking lady and a horrible swollen clown head: 

Then there's what I like to call the "melancholy nighttime collection", including a bat, owl, fox, blackened heart and dying rose: 

Here we have a few predators, thrown in for good measure, and a stop sign:

There are a few symbols of optimism amid the doom and gloom, including a pair of crossed fingers, clinking champagne glasses and smiling cowboy, plus a groom and prince to round out the bride and princess on current release. (You can see the full list of mock-ups here). But overall, the tone is remarkably sombre. 

Perhaps as emoji become ever more popular as a method of communication, we need to accept that they must represent the world in all its darkness and nuance. Not every experience deserves a smiley face, after all. 

All mock-ups: Emojpedia.

Barbara Speed is a technology and digital culture writer at the New Statesman and a staff writer at CityMetric.