Labour's acting leader Harriet Harman speaks at the party's HQ on 18 May 2015. Photograph: Getty Images.
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PMQs review: A win for Harman as Cameron prevaricates over Heathrow

Labour's acting leader declared: "He's in a holding pattern above Heathrow and Boris won't let him land".

For the first time since she returned as acting leader, Harriet Harman unambiguously defeated David Cameron at today's PMQs. Labour's decision to swiftly endorse the Davies Commission's recommendation of a third runway at Heathrow allowed her to ably expose the PM's prevarication. After Cameron warned that the "legal position" meant he could not say anything before studying the report (merely promising a decision by the end of the year), Harman gently gibed: "They’re briefing it’s not going to happen. It looks like the PM has been overruled by the member for Uxbridge. He should tell him he’s not the leader of the Tory party yet. Will he stand up for Britain’s interests or will he just be bullied by Boris?"

In desperation, Cameron sought to change the subject (a tell-tale sign that he is losing) to last week's unexpectedly stable child poverty figures. Harman responded by deploying her best line: "He's in a holding pattern above Heathrow and Boris won't let him land" (likely crafted by her aide and former stand-up Ayesha Hazarika). Cameron rightly reminded the House that Ed Miliband almost resigned over the third runway in government: "I seem to remember that the last leader of the Labour Party, although we've been churning through a few recently, had a totally different position on airports to the one she has just offered" (though Miliband himself U-turned before the election). But that only highlighted why Harman was able to pull off a victory that Miliband would have struggled to achieve. The PM's lukewarm welcome for Davies means that the odds remain against the third runway ever being built. 

The other politically notable moment of the session came when Cameron confirmed to the DUP's Nigel Dodds that the number of MPs would be reduced from 650 to 600 by the end of the parliament. Dennis Skinner made his first PMQs intervention of the new term when he berated the PM for not requesting EU aid for miners. Cameron, who was previously forced to apologise after describing the 83-year-old as a "dinosaur", again deployed this charge but with greater wit than before: "Very good to see the Labour Party in full voice cheering on Jurassic Park - I would stick to the movie."

The first PMQs since the Tunisia atrocity had started on an appropriately sombre note. In response to Harman, Cameron said that a taskforce would be established to coordinate support for families and victims and grimly announced that the number of Britons confirmed dead had risen to 27.

George Eaton is political editor of the New Statesman.

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For the first time in my life I have a sworn enemy – and I don’t even know her name

The cyclist, though, was enraged. “THAT’S CLEVER, ISN’T IT?” she yelled. “WALKING IN THE ROAD!”

Last month, I made an enemy. I do not say this lightly, and I certainly don’t say it with pride, as a more aggressive male might. Throughout my life I have avoided confrontation with a scrupulousness that an unkind observer would call out-and-out cowardice. A waiter could bring the wrong order, cold and crawling with maggots, and in response to “How is everything?” I’d still manage a grin and a “lovely, thanks”.

On the Underground, I’m so wary of being a bad citizen that I often give up my seat to people who aren’t pregnant, aren’t significantly older than me, and in some cases are far better equipped to stand than I am. If there’s one thing I am not, it’s any sort of provocateur. And yet now this: a feud.

And I don’t even know my enemy’s name.

She was on a bike when I accidentally entered her life. I was pushing a buggy and I wandered – rashly, in her view – into her path. There’s little doubt that I was to blame: walking on the road while in charge of a minor is not something encouraged by the Highway Code. In my defence, it was a quiet, suburban street; the cyclist was the only vehicle of any kind; and I was half a street’s length away from physically colliding with her. It was the misjudgment of a sleep-deprived parent rather than an act of malice.

The cyclist, though, was enraged. “THAT’S CLEVER, ISN’T IT?” she yelled. “WALKING IN THE ROAD!”

I was stung by what someone on The Apprentice might refer to as her negative feedback, and walked on with a redoubled sense of the parental inadequacy that is my default state even at the best of times.

A sad little incident, but a one-off, you would think. Only a week later, though, I was walking in a different part of town, this time without the toddler and engrossed in my phone. Again, I accept my culpability in crossing the road without paying due attention; again, I have to point out that it was only a “close shave” in the sense that meteorites are sometimes reported to have “narrowly missed crashing into the Earth” by 50,000 miles. It might have merited, at worst, a reproving ting of the bell. Instead came a familiar voice. “IT’S YOU AGAIN!” she yelled, wrathfully.

This time the shock brought a retort out of me, probably the harshest thing I have ever shouted at a stranger: “WHY ARE YOU SO UNPLEASANT?”

None of this is X-rated stuff, but it adds up to what I can only call a vendetta – something I never expected to pick up on the way to Waitrose. So I am writing this, as much as anything, in the spirit of rapprochement. I really believe that our third meeting, whenever it comes, can be a much happier affair. People can change. Who knows: maybe I’ll even be walking on the pavement

Mark Watson is a stand-up comedian and novelist. His most recent book, Crap at the Environment, follows his own efforts to halve his carbon footprint over one year.

This article first appeared in the 20 October 2016 issue of the New Statesman, Brothers in blood