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If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, who would win the 2015 general election?

According to the Telegraph, Ukip are reportedly winning "the Google election". But what other fictional elections could produce a landslide result?

Election coverage over at the Telegraph has raised this mole's whiskers today. A headline, reading "Ukip is winning the Google election" reveals that, "if internet searches were votes, Nigel Farage's party would be romping to a majority in the 2015 general election".

It got this mole thinking...

If tweets including #milifandom were votes, Ed Miliband's party would be romping ahead in the 2015 general election.

If tweets including #camronettes were votes, David Cameron's party would still not be romping ahead in the 2015 general election.

If internet searches were votes, porn would actually be winning the 2015 general election.

If ex-girlfriends were votes, Nick Clegg would have a stonking majority.

If gaffes were votes, Ukip would be the largest party.

If women who wanted to vote Tory were votes, the Tories would be losing.

If upsettingly poor media performances were votes, Natalie Bennett would be queen.

If Daily Mail splashes were votes, Ed Miliband would have already won the election.

If pints were votes, Nigel Farage would be drunk on power.

If tabloid comments about skirt suits were votes, Nicola Sturgeon would be Prime Minister.

If online hate comments were votes, Katie Hopkins would be our One True Overlord.

If kitchens were votes, Ed Miliband would have... two votes.

If cupcakes were votes, Justine Miliband would be First Lady.

If literally anything could be votes, nothing makes sense to this poor mole any more.

I'm a mole, innit.

Photo: Getty
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Ignored by the media, the Liberal Democrats are experiencing a revival

The crushed Liberals are doing particularly well in areas that voted Conservative in 2015 - and Remain in 2016. 

The Liberal Democrats had another good night last night, making big gains in by-elections. They won Adeyfield West, a seat they have never held in Dacorum, with a massive swing. They were up by close to the 20 points in the Derby seat of Allestree, beating Labour into second place. And they won a seat in the Cotswolds, which borders the vacant seat of Witney.

It’s worth noting that they also went backwards in a safe Labour ward in Blackpool and a safe Conservative seat in Northamptonshire.  But the overall pattern is clear, and it’s not merely confined to last night: the Liberal Democrats are enjoying a mini-revival, particularly in the south-east.

Of course, it doesn’t appear to be making itself felt in the Liberal Democrats’ poll share. “After Corbyn's election,” my colleague George tweeted recently, “Some predicted Lib Dems would rise like Lazarus. But poll ratings still stuck at 8 per cent.” Prior to the local elections, I was pessimistic that the so-called Liberal Democrat fightback could make itself felt at a national contest, when the party would have to fight on multiple fronts.

But the local elections – the first time since 1968 when every part of the mainland United Kingdom has had a vote on outside of a general election – proved that completely wrong. They  picked up 30 seats across England, though they had something of a nightmare in Stockport, and were reduced to just one seat in the Welsh Assembly. Their woes continued in Scotland, however, where they slipped to fifth place. They were even back to the third place had those votes been replicated on a national scale.

Polling has always been somewhat unkind to the Liberal Democrats outside of election campaigns, as the party has a low profile, particularly now it has just eight MPs. What appears to be happening at local by-elections and my expectation may be repeated at a general election is that when voters are presented with the option of a Liberal Democrat at the ballot box they find the idea surprisingly appealing.

Added to that, the Liberal Democrats’ happiest hunting grounds are clearly affluent, Conservative-leaning areas that voted for Remain in the referendum. All of which makes their hopes of a good second place in Witney – and a good night in the 2017 county councils – look rather less farfetched than you might expect. 

Stephen Bush is special correspondent at the New Statesman. He usually writes about politics.