Ed Miliband speaks at the Scottish Labour conference in Perth last week. Photograph: Getty Images.
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PMQs review: Miliband's price freeze saves him - but he needs a new hit

To settle his party's nerves, the Labour leader needs another trump card.

After his worst week as Labour leader since last summer, Ed Miliband returned to a scene of past glories at today's PMQs: his energy price freeze. SSE's announcement this morning that bills will be frozen until 2016 give him the peg he needed. "Would we be right to assume that the PM believes that this price freeze is unworkable, impossible to implement and probably a communist plot?" was his pitch-perfect opener. Cameron replied that it was only because of the government's reduction in green levies that the company had been able to act (as SSE said in its statement). Labour can reasonably argue that the coalition would never have taken this action had it not been for Miliband's campaign, but unlike when the policy was first announced, he can at least point to government support for billpayers.

Yet despite the best week for the Tories for months, Cameron appeared oddly rattled by Miliband's line of attack. As he knows, while the government's cuts to green levies have reduced most bills by around £50, they are still rising. So long as this remains the case, Labour's price freeze will retain its potency. His attempt, midway through the session, to change the subject to the Budget and the economy showed that he is still much happier fighting on this territory than on living standards (with Miliband, in Reagan mode, warning that people will be worse off in 2015 than they were in 2010).

"I'll tell him what's weak: weak is not having an economic policy, weak is not responding to the Budget," he raged. In response, Miliband quipped, "Not for the first time, calm down, dear, calm down", before seguing into a terrible bingo joke: "Or should I say for the benefit of the Chancellor, eyes down, dear?" It was a line that Cameron trumped with a genuine zinger later when he declared that bingo was "the only time he gets near Number 10".

But while Miliband's energy price freeze shielded him today, it served as a reminder that he hasn't enjoyed a similar hit since. If he is to settle Labour nerves, he'll soon need to unveil his "radical offer" on tuition fees and much else.

The other notable moment in the session came when Cameron confirmed that the government had been unable to reach agreement on amending the Hunting Act to allow more than two dogs to be used to flush out a fox (owing to Lib Dem opposition). But while Tory backbenchers will be dismayed, an interminable row over foxhunting is one "barnacle" (to borrow Lynton Crosby's phrase) that the PM can do without. Far better to keep banging on about the Budget.

George Eaton is political editor of the New Statesman.

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For the first time in my life I have a sworn enemy – and I don’t even know her name

The cyclist, though, was enraged. “THAT’S CLEVER, ISN’T IT?” she yelled. “WALKING IN THE ROAD!”

Last month, I made an enemy. I do not say this lightly, and I certainly don’t say it with pride, as a more aggressive male might. Throughout my life I have avoided confrontation with a scrupulousness that an unkind observer would call out-and-out cowardice. A waiter could bring the wrong order, cold and crawling with maggots, and in response to “How is everything?” I’d still manage a grin and a “lovely, thanks”.

On the Underground, I’m so wary of being a bad citizen that I often give up my seat to people who aren’t pregnant, aren’t significantly older than me, and in some cases are far better equipped to stand than I am. If there’s one thing I am not, it’s any sort of provocateur. And yet now this: a feud.

And I don’t even know my enemy’s name.

She was on a bike when I accidentally entered her life. I was pushing a buggy and I wandered – rashly, in her view – into her path. There’s little doubt that I was to blame: walking on the road while in charge of a minor is not something encouraged by the Highway Code. In my defence, it was a quiet, suburban street; the cyclist was the only vehicle of any kind; and I was half a street’s length away from physically colliding with her. It was the misjudgment of a sleep-deprived parent rather than an act of malice.

The cyclist, though, was enraged. “THAT’S CLEVER, ISN’T IT?” she yelled. “WALKING IN THE ROAD!”

I was stung by what someone on The Apprentice might refer to as her negative feedback, and walked on with a redoubled sense of the parental inadequacy that is my default state even at the best of times.

A sad little incident, but a one-off, you would think. Only a week later, though, I was walking in a different part of town, this time without the toddler and engrossed in my phone. Again, I accept my culpability in crossing the road without paying due attention; again, I have to point out that it was only a “close shave” in the sense that meteorites are sometimes reported to have “narrowly missed crashing into the Earth” by 50,000 miles. It might have merited, at worst, a reproving ting of the bell. Instead came a familiar voice. “IT’S YOU AGAIN!” she yelled, wrathfully.

This time the shock brought a retort out of me, probably the harshest thing I have ever shouted at a stranger: “WHY ARE YOU SO UNPLEASANT?”

None of this is X-rated stuff, but it adds up to what I can only call a vendetta – something I never expected to pick up on the way to Waitrose. So I am writing this, as much as anything, in the spirit of rapprochement. I really believe that our third meeting, whenever it comes, can be a much happier affair. People can change. Who knows: maybe I’ll even be walking on the pavement

Mark Watson is a stand-up comedian and novelist. His most recent book, Crap at the Environment, follows his own efforts to halve his carbon footprint over one year.

This article first appeared in the 20 October 2016 issue of the New Statesman, Brothers in blood