We meet at last No 3958

Set by Hank T Romein

John Humphrys, on Radio 4's "Humphrys in Search of God", sought to find Him.

Report by Ms de Meaner

A popular comp, and about God, which is somehow fitting given the time of year. There were quite a few names I hadn't seen for a while. As it's the last comp this year, the winners can have £25 each, with additional Tesco vouchers going to Anne Du Croz. Well done, and a Happy Christmas to you all. We'll meet again in the New Year. PS: the date for No 3960 should have been 29 December. Apologies.

John Humphrys: You say you're all good and powerful, but you've made a terrible world.

God: That's . . .

JH: Let me finish. You've more deputies on earth than a sheriff in a western, all of them contradictory, all trivia-obsessed.

God: Not quite . . .

JH: If I may be allowed to speak. Can I eat pork or beef? Where should my foreskin be, or the hem of my sister's dress? Can I wash on Saturdays or Hoover on Sundays? I need answers to these points.

God: If I may . . .

JH: Stop hectoring! Give our listeners answers now, or resign in favour of someone else.

God: Like you, John?

JH: Reducing issues to personalities trivialises. And before Mediawatch complains, I shall tell you now that tomorrow's interview with Satan will be equally deferential, emollient and interviewee-friendly.

J Seery

JH: Well now, God, you've certainly given world religions a run for their money, wouldn't you say? But even with two or three of them stitched up, and arguably four, you would have to agree, wouldn't you, that the world is still in a frightful mess?

God: Well, we admit that, of course.

JH: No, no, no. One at a time.

Holy Spirit: We said: we admit that, of course.

JH: You see, you actually admit it! Now that's no comfort for believers, is it? All those missing apostrophes, reality television. Pretty poor going for an omnipotent, omniscient force, wouldn't you say?

Son: And wars. Famine.

JH: Exactly! Now how are you going to -

Father: I'll handle this. [Explosion. Transmission ends.]

Bill Greenwell

JH: Are You there? . . . I know, I know . . . "Immortal, invisible . . . light inaccessible hid from our eyes" . . . Now that I'm convinced You're omnipresent, I'll mark up a "yes". So . . . we observe the effects of Your presence . . . like dark energy. That's the other chap? Right. You speak in our hearts . . . Well . . . I'm thinking of You . . . getting a warm feeling . . . whooofff . . . my scalp's prickling . . . a-ha . . . a guiding hand on my shoulder. Oh, move over, Ed! Look, Lord Almighty . . . sounds like one of Blair's appointments. Sorry, but it's not good enough. This is radio: words are our business . . . Loads of emails coming in . . . Can we go for a supernatural item on our message board, or - You've managed it before - a still, small voice?

Anne Du Croz

No 3961 Round robins

Set by Tiny Tim

A fairly regular treat at Xmas. We want examples of the genre from a famous person of your choice.

Max 125 words by 4 January
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

This article first appeared in the 11 December 2006 issue of the New Statesman, Trident: not too late