Wanted: m/f person No 3957

Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

We asked for heartsearch ads from famous novelists

Report by Ms de Meaner

I loved them all, though I got just a teensy bit tired of the Jane entries that began: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single novelist" or "Wanted, single man in possession of a good fortune". The winners get £15 each. The overall winner, Anne Du Croz, also gets the Tesco vouchers.

You are a patient listener. I am a rambling raconteur. Share my reminiscences over tea and madeleines. Marcel

American writer seeks inspiration. You are young. You are lithe. You fight bulls. Meet me. Wear something silky. Make it lime green or pink. Call me Papa. Ernest

Have you crawled out from under your dad's shadow; escaped a bad marriage; suffered with your teeth, writer's block, and atavistic despair . . . but won through? Let's not call it narcissism - I love you already. Martin

Anne Du Croz

With a last gasp of sputtering Romanticism, and without wanting to fall into the trap of verbigeration, this feracious fabulist anxious to create some dialectical critical realism with a putative someone bearing two X chromosomes. Must possess an unholy dualism of Heraclitean/ Nabokovian provenance, or of a paradigm pertaining to Barthes. Must like adroitly spun metaphors and apes. Will

John O'Byrne

Been everywhere, won everything, wowed everyone, reached the top of every tree - let me tell you about it in fabulous art-rich London penthouse. Jeffrey

Pale-but-interesting lady seeks refined, restrained older gentleman with impeccable punctuation for mutual support, discussion of mothers, and extended planning of possible holidays in Switzerland. Anita

D A Prince

Deep calleth to Deep. Every fibre of your being must tremble before the divine mysteries. Come to me! Come! Let us share graveyards and the howling of starving dogs. Yorks. Emily

May they rot in hell who would deny the flame of true sex, true desire. Bearded man, in excellent health I tell you, seeks true woman, damn you. Write to me out of your guts. The True Feminine must shine forth in every word you write, or do not bother me with your infernal bleating. No Germans. Mexico area. D H

Josh Ekroy

Dame wanted. Usual terms. Usual purposes. No clingers. Raymond

Me - the best of prospects, the worst of prospects. You - a young lady of sentiment. Charles

J Seery

Animating lady WLTM man with outsize body parts. I will transform your life with my electricity. Mary

John Purkis

No 3960 Lame man's terms

Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

"In lame man's terms, an eggcorn is where words are mistaken for other similar-sounding words," explained the Guardian recently, giving us "a half-asked effort" and"the crutch of the matter". We want a piece of "similar-sounding" prose that makes a kind of sense.

Max 125 words by 31 December
There is no comp for the Xmas issue.
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

This article first appeared in the 04 December 2006 issue of the New Statesman, Nation of fools