Oscillate- a-bye baby No 3949

Set by Valerie Yule

We asked for lullabies for today's babies to help develop their language abili

Report by Ms de Meaner

Hmm. Some of your entries were so disgusting that I had to take steps to stop the babies' ears. OK, OK, modern world and all that. But "golden showers" and "bondage" from one entrant and "an illegal" being chased "all around the workbench" because "Mummy thought he was on the run" from another, although the latter did say he had been on holiday and come back "reinvigorated".

No hon menshes this week. £20 to the winners, though, the best of whom, El Basilio, also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Sleep little babe, don't cry, don't moan:

Mama's gonna buy you a mobile phone;

And if that mobile phone don't ring,

Mama's gonna buy you some serious bling.

And if that serious bling's too chav,

Mama's gonna buy you a cool sat nav;

And if that cool sat nav don't work,

Mama's gonna buy you a brand new Merc.

So go to sleep; don't whinge; don't blub:

'Cos Mummy's gonna buy you a football club.

So sleep, pretty baby. Chill. Relax.

'Cos baby ain't payin' no inheritance tax,

'Cos whether that club goes up or down,

There ain't nothin' left for Gordon Brown.

David Silverman

E-mail your daddy,

My online laddie.

Fax to your daddy,

My turned-on boy.

Tell him you wish he'd

Install a dishy

Then we'd have eighty

Channels in the sky.

Shirley Curran

Like you are so sleepy

So not what you're not

Like you are well sleepy

Babes, you are so hot

Like be unproactive

iPod, iRaq, iRan

Sleep is your strategic

Target action plan

Bill Greenwell

Hush little baby, don't you fret.

Daddy's gonna surf on the internet.

And if that internet don't load

Daddy's gonna go into standby mode.

And if that standby mode should pall

Daddy's gonna try to reinstall.

And if that proves a no-go zone

Daddy's gonna get on the helpline phone.

And if that helpline don't reply

Daddy's gonna have to think blue-sky.

And if that speculation's pants

Daddy's gonna go into postal rants.

And if that rage becomes a pain

Daddy's gonna freebase crack cocaine.

Hush little baby, go to sleep.

Daddy just got tired of mission creep.

Basil Ransome-Davies

No 3952 What do you think?

Set by John Crick

Dude, Where's My Country? Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? The interrogative book title has a long and august history. Let's have suggestions for the bestsellers of 2007.

As many goes as you like. Entries in by 19 October
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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