Competition - Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3719

Set by Peter Reeve on 18 February

With reference to the Home Secretary's new citizenship tests, we asked for some sample questions.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Lots of trick questions (The capital of Great Britain is: a) Das Kapital, b) the Kop, c) Wembley - from Will Bellenger), questions you'd only know the answers to if you'd lived here for years (With whom did Maxine betray Ashley? a) Curly Watts, b) Jack Duckworth, c) Roy Cropper, d) "Crusher" Ferguson, e) Matt the medic, f) David Platt, g) Gail Platt, h) a goat - from Basil Ransome-Davies), and questions no one would be able to answer (From your knowledge of first-century British history, assess in no fewer than 3,000 words the historical accuracy of Shakespeare's portrayal of Cymbeline, drawing on contemporary chronicles and Geoffrey of Monmouth's Historia Regum Britanniae - from David Silverman). Ah, but you're a cynical lot. Hon menshes to the above, £20 to the winners, and £5 tokens to R Ewing and J Seery. The overall winner is David Barton, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.

1. Would you be prepared to work in a hotel kitchen for less than the minimum wage?

2. Would you be prepared, purely as a temporary measure, to drive a motor vehicle without insurance cover or a driving licence?

3. Do you have sufficient manual skill to make a rifle?

4. Have you ever made a rifle?

5. Do you enjoy firework displays?

6. Have you ever made your own firework?

7. Which is your favourite songbird?

8. How do you like it cooked?

9. Do you support fox-hunting?

10. Are you an animal lover?

11. Did you own a dog back home and, if so, did it sleep on your bed or in a kennel?

12. What do the letters lbw stand for?

13. Have you had experience of either nursing or mail delivery?

14. Have you ever been to Mecca?

David Barton

(All questions must be answered)

1. Write an essay on the British monarchy since the Glorious Revolution of 1688, with reference either to the development of constitutional law or to the way in which media representations have tended to legitimate or challenge the role of the royal family.

2. Discuss how two of the following fictional texts construct Englishness as a transcendent matrix of social identity: Pride and Prejudice, David Copperfield, The Forsyte Saga, Coming Up For Air, Look Back in Anger, Fever Pitch.

3. Arrange in order of precedence: a Baronet, the second son of a Duke, the Archbishop of York, the Master of the Rolls, the Home Secretary, a Marchioness, Black Rod, the Lord Lieutenant of Lancashire. Explain the reasons for your choice.

4. Analyse in detail the conditions under which an appeal for lbw may or may not be accepted by a competent and unprejudiced umpire.

5. According to Bagehot, "of all nations in the world the English are perhaps the least a nation of pure philosophers". Giving examples, compare and contrast the native tradition of English empiricism with either German idealist philosophy or French existentialism.

G M Davis

1. On polling day, how many times does the average UK citizen vote?

2. (a) Would British citizenship give you many rights?

(b) Are you serious?

3. In the event of a period of two years compulsory military service being introduced for both sexes, would you wish your present application to stand?

4. What would be your reaction if your application were to be approved but only in respect of domicile in the Falkland Islands?

5. (a) Was Britain your first choice?

(b) Are you willing to take a lie-detector test?

6. In your opinion, who was the greatest Prime Minister of Great Britain?

NB: In answer to countless pleas, you may nominate the present holder of the office. Those so doing will receive (completely free of charge) a portrait of Mr Blair with a multimillionaire of your choice.

7. (a) How many times have you sung the National Anthem?

(b) Why?

8. In the event of failing this test, what funds could you produce to cover the fairly expensive appeal procedure?

Michael Birt

1. What variety of fish would you feed to the Lord Privy Seal?

2. Explain why, if God is an Englishman, He did not make the English Channel deeper, wider and full of man-eating sharks.

J Seery

. . . And finally, to help us with our decision, please indicate how much money you are willing to give to the Labour Party: a) Less than £5,000, b) £5,000-£35,000, c) More than £35,000. (If "c", please disregard this citizenship test and go straight to 10 Downing Street.)

R Ewing

No 3722 Set by George Cowley

Ziauddin Sardar wrote in the NS: "We are in the middle of an identity crisis . . . Most of us do not know who or what we really are." Could we have an interview between a prominent person and a psychoanalyst attempting to sort out who or what he/she is.

To be in by 21 March (to appear in our issue dated 1 April)