Competition - Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3712

Set by Gavin Ross on 17 December

We asked for a famous garden to be transformed by the Ground Force team.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Hon menshes to Susan Therkelson (Garden of England), Katie Mallett (Hanging Gardens of Babylon) and Gavin Ross (Garden of Earthly Delights). The winners get £20, the vouchers go to Frank Murray. Below, our annual league table of the most frequent comp winners. A fine year again for Will Bellenger. Good to see new blood, though, in Peter Reeve, Barbara Daniels and Hamish Hamilton.

"Hello! Alan? It's me again. It's Mrs Monet. Sorry to keep calling like this, but it's Claude, he really is very upset about the blue. Says it's come up too strong and it's giving him depression . . . No, no, I know it's not your fault. If anyone's to blame, it's me. I mean, I just never realised. It took us all by surprise. One day everything was blue: blue smocks, blue socks, even blue cheese, and then, literally out of the blue, he went into this yellow phase; no warning, nothing. Did I tell you he's doing cornfields . . . yes, and haystacks?

"No, it's true. Claude and Vincent go off on their bikes and spend the whole day doing cornfields . . . with crows and that sort of thing . . . but mostly cornfields . . . It's like jaundice around here.

"I agree . . . I know, it's unfortunate. I blame Vincent mostly. But what I was just wondering, Alan, is this: could you take out some of those cotoneasters, the ones near the bridge, and maybe put in something else . . . like rose of Sharon and perhaps a few daffs . . . and another thing, he thinks we went overboard on the bluebells . . . Hello! Alan? Are you still there?"

Frank Murray

"Tonight, Ground Force is in the Garden of England. Yes, we think Kent is badly in need of a make-over and we intend to transform the entire county in just two days. Let's start in the south-east corner. The English Channel makes an impressive water feature, and the cliffs set it off well. The habitat seems to attract a variety of bluebirds and asylum-seeking species, but there seems to be an overpreponderance of the common wild bigotiae racista bastarda, which could prove difficult to shift. While Charlie is digging them up - alternatively you could try a systemic pesticide - we'll deploy the one million garden gnomes we've brought in to replace them. Next we need to level Margate and replace it with a giant pergola. There's an interesting subterranean feature running all the way from the water feature to London. Probably made by very large moles or rabbits. It's got plenty of railway sleepers in it, which could come in very handy, but otherwise seems largely disused, except for a few ramblers in a bit of a hurry and and all going in the same direction. Seems a good place to grow truffles . . ."

David Silverman

"Mr Andrew Marvell certainly needs our touch on his seriously overgrown garden. As Charlie said at first sight: 'One too many green thoughts in this green shade!' The plot is boringly monochrome; the injection of some primary reds and yellows in the borders would transform it. Mr Marvell complains about the feeling of being attacked by the fruit, and so we have dug up the early apples and vines that were dropping about his head or crushing his lips and replaced them with varieties that can be harvested later at his leisure - of which he seems to have plenty. The flowers that ensnare him and trip him up are probably bindweed, notoriously difficult to eradicate. Bruising the leaves and applying a proprietary weedkiller should do the trick. We liked his fountain, and have stopped its foot from sliding. The herbal/floral clock is pretty, though a little too formal with its zodiacal design: we have renewed it with an abstract pattern and plants that will attract more bees than the solitary one he mentions. Most of all, wake up, Andrew: a garden is a garden - not a sea! And it'll never be paradise unless you work harder at it."

Barbara Daniels

No 3715 Set by Gavin Ross

The Salvation Army is now banned in Moscow on the grounds that it is a paramilitary, not religious, organisation. Can we have extracts from War and Peace, The Three Sisters or other Russian works in which the Salvation Army impinges on Russian life.

To be in by 31 January (to appear in issue dated 11 February) E-mail: