Jack the lad refuses re-education

John Prescott looked in need of emergency dental treatment at a No 10 reception. A cabinet minister is adamant he glimpsed a couple of missing front teeth, but was unable to corroborate the state of Deputy Dawg's incisors. Troubled Prezza rarely opens his mouth these days and never smiles. Mrs Prezza is less restrained. Asked how she's doing since the Tracey Temple carry-on, the Cowgirl replied: "I haven't killed him - yet - if that's what you mean." I make a note to inquire about swinging handbags.

Excited tearoom talk of a rift between Jack "The Lad" Straw and Miss Whiplash, Jacqui Smith, in front of Labour's parliamentary committee. Word is that the Leader of the House cautioned against the pogrom on malcontents launched by the Chief Whip. No 10 requested he drop by for a spot of political re-education. The Lad is likely to have turned his deaf right ear. There are no votes doing No 10's dirty work, eh my Lad, should you wish to succeed Deputy Dawg.

The mystery of how Labour acquired "e-mails" from bag-carrier Des Swayne to Hoodie Dave is solved. Technophobe Swayne, a major in the TA, writes and prints them out on a computer in the library to pop on Hoodie's desk; the enemy just discovered a pile left by the absent-minded Tory. Army officers have been cashiered for less, as Major Swayne knows.

An e-mail exchange seen by your correspondent confirms no love lost on the anti-European right between the Tories and Ukip. A round robin on the Bromley by-election from Ukip mouthpiece Gawain Towler pops up in the inbox of the London Tory press chappie Andre Walker, triggering the response: "Please remove me from your list you ugly tosser!" Hoodie Dave's cuddly Conservatism has, it seems, failed to reach parts of his own party.

Yo, Blair! Disgruntled lobby hacks were drenched during the St Petersburg hug-in, after heeding Downing Street advice to dress for 30°C summer heat. When it turned cold and wet, lightning forced Her Majesty's scribblers to step away from computer terminals, though they did manage to find time for some entente non-cordiale. The room for the Gallic media flooded, prompting British sniggers.

Over at the Home Office, the Robominister, John Reid, wants to lock up a press officer in the bunker every weekend to issue rebuttals to the Sunday papers. With foreign prisoner releases, Home Office inmates complain that it's unfair to incarcerate one of their own to make up the numbers.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror