<em>Leaders should be tested for lunacy, according to the president of the World Federation of Neuro

I'm Michael, just off to the hustings

To be the Conservative main-man

Ignore all these thrashings and thrustings

I'm just booking in for a brain scan

I'm Kenneth, and booked for the ballot

As the king of Conservative skippers

Ignore all that foam on my palate

I am wearing my Freudian slippers

I'm Iain, and seeking election

To win the Conservative pinnacle

Ignore signs of mental defection

It probably isn't too clinical

I'm David, and it has occurred to me

They'll vote me Conservative topper

My shrink thinks that I've never heard of me

So the proof of my sanity's proper

This article first appeared in the 25 June 2001 issue of the New Statesman, The slow death of Tory England