Competition - Win a bottle of champagne

No 3683 Set by Stan Knafler

Lauren Booth was asked to do some nude poses, which she refused. However, as she pointed out, she "might just do those nude pics if they allow [her] to do the captions". We asked you to select three characters who would definitely not want to be seen in the nude, and to supply "appropriate captions".

Report by Ms de Meaner

I had imagined, when this comp was set, that you would send in captions written by the subjects themselves. But as it wasn't absolutely specified, I have decided to allow your typical newspaper caption-writers to do their worst. Which wasn't what Booth had in mind, but too bad. One singleton that attracted my notice was Michael Cregan's three-line verse for Mao:

The capitalist hyenas want you to believe that our Glorious and Wise Leader is dead!

To expose these lickspittle lies, the Beloved Guide of the Masses shows himself here alive and well.

Long Live the Thoughts of Chairman Mao! Death to the clothes-wearing fascists!

Hon menshes also go to Anne Du Croz and Ian Birchall for Basil Ransome-Davies ("Can this be Bazza in the buff . . . And where's his doobie?") and John Prescott ("He got those scars on his back lying on a bed of nails for 48 hours . . . studying satyagraha, the Indian method of non-violent resistance"). £20 to the winners; the vouchers go to Basil Ransome-Davies.

Norman Tebbit

Norman's mastery of the joystick may be a thing of the past, but he's still a red-blooded hunk, a true-blue patriot and, as you can see, white all over. Though Norman's a lord now, he has never lost the common touch, and can still grin and bare it.

Mary Whitehouse

Obviously Mary has her knockers, but when you strip away the controversy and get right down to the naked truth, she's an old-fashioned girl who clings to tried and trusted principles - no bikini wax for her!

Gordon Brown

If you thought it was a budget surplus he was hiding under his kilt, think again. Gordon's out to scotch any rumours of a government cover-up. Judging by the Connery-style tattoo not a million miles from his private sector, Gordon sighs for his homeland - but do sighs matter?

Basil Ransome-Davies

Peter Mandelson

Peter denies that he is in the nude and says that he is wearing his skin and hair. Though he poses to bare all, he reveals nothing. This is a typical pose for Peter, and virtually mandatory in his profession. While the vital aspects of his project are hidden, it is obvious that he has a lot of cheek. As always, he has positioned himself to bounce back.

Ann Widdecombe

Miss Widdecombe says that this is the first time she has posed nude - pull the other one, Ann - and that she only does it because the script calls for it. The old ones are the best. Don't take that the wrong way, Ann! It's all part of her campaign to show that nakedness and eroticism are not necessarily the same. You old stunner, you!

Ted Heath

This rear view of Ted bending down surpasses all his eloquent descriptions of Thatcherism, Eurosceptic Tories and all those who voted for "that woman" in the Tory leadership contest 26 years ago. Clearly the end of an era.

J Seery

John Prescott

Heeeere's Johnny! Fighting fit and plenty of punch in the old punchbag! With a jaw-breaking majority and two colossal Jags, John tells us that he may have dropped a few clangers, but he's still got the spunk that made merchant seamen famous. A technical knockout!

Camilla Parker Bowles

Camilla loves to find a crested shag, and let him have it with both her barrels! It certainly looks as if she has a kind heart and coronets to make sure she's mistress of all she surveys, and with that little bit of royalty inside her.

Boris Johnson

Jolly good show all round for Boris. Here's one brand-new member who'll stand out at the regatta - certain to put his great big oar in, and sure to let us have a look at his rowlocks any time we ask. That's what we mean by Spectator sport.

Will Bellenger

Dennis Potter

It's not me, it's not me. The body is mine, no denying that, sin scrawled over skin in the burning tessellations of psoriasis, but where am I in this buckle-boned Martian landscape of a body? I'm there - should that be here? - inside its head, one place where you can't see, where I can make the pictures.

Oscar Wilde

One's naked human form is so unnatural, as sure a proof of God's perversity as His failure to exist. But genius is seldom natural, another respect in which I find myself superior to my Creator. On those overwhelmed by my image in two dimensions, I urge the mental exercise of imagining it in three - an exercise simultaneously impossible and rewarding.

Rolf Harris

I'm Jake the Peg - diddle-iddle-iddle-um - with my extra leg - diddle-iddle-iddle-um! No, it's not a leg, folks. Peer in a little closer. Can ya tell what it is yet?

Adrian Fry

No 3686 Set by George Cowley

A listener gave Today this definition of an intellectual: "Someone who, alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on." Could we have insightful, and lengthier, definitions (see Nicholas Bagnall in the Comment section of the Sindie) of an intellectual by 28 June. Max 200 words.


This article first appeared in the 18 June 2001 issue of the New Statesman, Meet the people who make Tony Blair sweat