Competition - Win a bottle of champagne

No 3680 Set by John Crick

You were asked for a new batch of neologisms - a comp that has to be set every so often as new names rise into the firmament: "tarrant", "widdecombe", etc.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Yes, the ubiquitous Keith Flett has forced his way on to the page and, by golly, hasn't he done well. Give us a twirl, Keith. Well done everyone, in fact, although I frowned on those definitions of the noun portillo that I wouldn't care to see in a family newspaper. £10 to David Silverman, Connie Yapp, El Basilio, Keith Flett and Will Bellenger. The rest can have a fiver's worth of book tokens. The Tesco vouchers go to Connie Yapp.

clinton n. a large cigar

branson n. a missed appointment

hagueful n. 14 pints

T Griffiths

maxwell v. to swim without trousers

feltz v. to lose weight dramatically only to find that people still hate you

blair v. to speak while grinning

mandelson v. to reduce the temperature in a room

Chris Dunne

cooking n. a state of explosive hypertension caused by priapism and peevish irritation characterised by rising blood pressure, a bellicose manner and partial dysphasia

amis n. a thingy, whatsname, doovrie, gismo, le truc. Eg, "It's got one of those little amises that filter out the data overload real-time so you don't fry your brains surfing the crucial top-line registers, but it's a bastard to replace"

Basil Ransome-Davies

hague n. a malarial fever, marked by delirium, speech impairment, hair loss and associated with a pain, often in the neck

portillo (Sp) n. an aficionado of doors, a person with an obsessional, often secret, fixation for a particular door or door number

titchmarsh n. a wet ecological environment that is attractive to wildlife, popular with garden birds, especially the large Paridae

David Silverman

dobbo v. to refuse to shave one's beard off as a matter of political principle

darling v. to shave one's beard off as a matter of political principle

cook v. to combine a love of Indian food with facial hair

hunter v. to shave off one's moustache in order to waffle more clearly about football

Keith Flett

halliwell v. to shrink in the interests of publicity

dimmock v. to raise the hopes of the seedless by titivating the stamen

woodhead n. a woodhead

blunkett v. to speak in faultless jargon without the aid of civil servants

piper v. to marry out of juvenile perversity

Will Bellenger

darcus adj. a superlative much used by ethnocentric postmodernists to express excellence. Eg, as in darcus Brixton

portillo n. anglicised as portaloo, a chamberpot used by campers

haguer n. Yorkshire cant; v. to fantasise about one's adolescent activities ("Eeee . . . the number of wenches I've tupped and eeee . . . the pints of ale I've supped). Eg, "Stop haguering on lad, tha's living in a hatterslie"

hatterslie n. a dozy state of self-deception. To imagine one is more significant than one really is

Connie Yapp

hague v. to drive at 60mph knowing one's petrol tank is almost empty

bryson v. to belittle with caustic wit a foreign country one has visited for a relatively short period of time

vaz v. to vacillate on a subject until the media lose interest and move on

John O'Byrne

martinbell v. to hang free

prescottery n. the mixing up of words while making their meaning quite clear

Margaret Rogers

gerryadams v. a form of gerrymandering in which one party to an agreement insists that the other party must act first

mowlam n. a good spirit, a variety of golem

Nicholas hodgson

mombiosis n. a mutually advantageous relationship between a specialised commentator and the editors of news programmes

prescott n. a place of legend where words go to die

boateng n. a loophole that nullifies the need to resign. Eg, "He misled parliament but found a boateng in the ministerial code"

R Ewing

dyson n. any device that works better in theory than in practice

W J Webster

hirst v. to claim another's pickled joints as one's own

M E Ault

winner vi. usu as in winner and dinner, to wine and dine, then complain peevishly about the experience

Andrew Gibbons

bellenger v. to win everything in sight, to get up everyone else's nose

Michael Cregan

No 3683 Set by Stan Knafler

Lauren Booth wrote: "I might just do those nude pics if they allow me to write the captions." Select three characters who would definitely not want to be photographed in the nude and supply "appropriate" captions. Max 150 words and in by 7 June.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

This article first appeared in And men shall speak unto men

2001-05-28