Coleen McLoughlin, girlfriend of Wayne Rooney, is turning out to be quite a style leader. For those of you who don't get Closer magazine, she has a regular column in which she offers tips on how to look your best on an unlimited budget. There aren't many surprises for the eager reader - "a good hairdo makes a difference" is one of the more thought-provoking - but there is something irresistible about tips, whatever the subject and whoever is dishing them out. Watching Anthea Turner pronouncing on how to be the perfect housewife on BBC3, for instance, is mesmerising ("In this episode find out how to: fold a towel correctly . . ."). So here goes - my top ten tips for stylish drinking this summer:
1) Avoid Pimm's. It's strictly for sweet-toothed L drinkers under the age of 25, and roughly on a par with punch.
2) Stock up on Funkin, the fruit purées in the long-life pouches that you can keep in the fridge for ever. The peach one, added to Prosecco, makes a perfect instant Bellini.
3) Don't insist on a flute for champagne. Champagne saucers are the new flutes.
4) Avoid designer mineral water. It's the equivalent of Louis Vuitton bootees for babies. Real water from the tap is newly chic.
5) The only excuse for a spritzer is if you are on a serious diet. And even then . . .
6) All drinks are improved by slices of chorizo or Manchego. The minute you bring out the greasy crisps, the wine will taste less expensive. Other accompaniments that lower the tone include peanuts of any sort, Bombay mix and Pringles.
7) The Arctic Monkeys drink cider. Other drinks you have to be supercool to get away with include rum and Coke, tequila sunrise and lager and lime. Bitter is not one of them, not even Timothy Taylor.
8) Acceptable soft drinks are few and far between. Kevin Gould's 100 per cent fruit juices are currently chic, but elderflower cordial (organic) is still the safest option. Diet fizzy drinks, if you happen to have a passion for them, should be hidden well away. They are the equivalent of coffee tables made out of elephants' feet.
9) Just say no to: coasters, plastic jugs and glasses, tankards, wine buckets, straws, and lemon in the water jug.
10) Coleen drinks Cristal. Strangely, in the topsy-turvy times we live in, this is the equivalent of Del Boy's umbrella-laden cocktail. What she and her mates should be drinking if they want to look stylish is melon Martinis (Sienna's tipple) or straight vodka (Kate's). But if their hair looks good, that's the main thing.