Competition - Win a bottle of champagne

No 3667 Set by Gavin Ross

We asked for up-to-date hunting songs.

Report by Ms de Meaner

I have now managed to send out some remuneration to those who set comps last year (£5 per comp). I need addresses for Ben Ross, H J Barker, Stan Knafler and Desmond Donovan, who set one each. This week, most of you picked that old favourite "John Peel". £20 to the winners; the vouchers go to Gordon Watson.

D'ye ken Jane Peel with her cheese so round,

Which she rolls with skill all along the ground.

When she comes to a hill she goes hurtling down

As she races the cheese to the valley.

Chasing Gruyere, Gorgonzola, Gouda or Brie

There was ne'er a cheese-chaser prouder than she

She's the cheese-chasers' answer to Nikki Lauda, you see

As she races the cheese to the valley.

Double Gloucesters in Cirencester, Cheshires in Crewe,

She's chased Mozzarella and Red Leicesters, too

She's chased choicest cheeses, Stiltons green and blue

As she races the cheese to the valley.

David Silverman

D'ye ken John Peel with his foxy rag,

And his aniseed chase-ponger tied in a bag?

D'ye ken John Peel, now his hunt is a drag,

Lays a trail for his hounds in the morning?

For the hunt's been tamed, had an eco-rebirth -

No more bloodthirsty rites - and, for all they're worth,

Fox-loving, gentle-hearted, Friends of the Earth

Chase the scent of a lure in the morning.

D'ye ken John Peel, once so doctrinaire,

Had a Pauline conversion, and fell off his mare?

Now he's joined Greenpeace - and he worships Blair -

And he sets up the drag in the morning.

D'ye ken John Peel with his coat so gay?

The coat's called pink - but he's quite OK;

He blows on his horn, bringing Pimms on a tray,

For his drag-hunting friends in the morning.

Anne Du Croz

On he ambled, debarred from the chase,

The absence of terror explained his dull pace,

He crawled to his hole, no need to go fast,

His craft and his cunning were a thing of the past,

To be killed held no fear, he regretted his birth

And languished through boredom, alone in his earth,

No more would he romp from the hounds and hunt,

No more would he lead the race from the front,

Never again would he be out of breath,

Instead he would fatten and long for his death.

Hamish Wilson (From "Reynard the Fox")

D'ye ken John Peel, see his face turn grey?

When our vox pop vote stole his hunt away,

Though there's few, to be fair, at the end of the day,

Give a fuck for the fox in the morning.

For the sound of the bell to the lobby led,

Then it's off to the bar for the good House red,

And there was ne'er a one, as we went to bed,

Gave a fuck for the fox in the morning.

Yes, we know that Foster, Widdecombe too,

Kennedy, Cook and you know who,

With their hands on their hearts (so it must be true!),

Care a fuck for the fox in the morning.

D'ye ken John Peel, will he get his way,

Is a ban on hunting far, far away?

'Cos there's many a Lord - yet to have his say -

Likes to hunt for a fox in the morning.

Gordon Watson

A-driving we will go, a caravan in tow

Heigh ho, my ragged nerves, a-driving we will go!

And now, of course I am, stuck in a traffic jam

I swear that come next holiday

A-driving we won't go

A-cycling we will go, to keep blood pressure low

Heigh ho, my aching arse, a-cycling we will go!

There are few cycle paths, just motoring psychopaths

I swear that come next holiday

A-cycling we won't go

A-hiking we will go, leave traffic far below

Heigh ho, my breaking back, a-hiking we will go!

The rights of way are blocked, the farmers' gates are locked

I swear that come next holiday

A-hiking we won't go

A-drinking we will go, and rid ourselves of woe

Heigh ho, we feel no pain, a-drinking we will go!

A new pub called The Grouse, is not far from our house

I swear that come next holiday

A-drinking we will go

Peter Reeve

No 3670 Set by John Crick

A few months late, but we want to mark Chaucer's 600th anniversary (he died in 1400). How would the great man have described some of our age's secular pilgrims: editors, reps, disc jockeys, quiz-show hosts, publicists etc. In by 8 March.


This article first appeared in the 26 February 2001 issue of the New Statesman, Please, sir, we girls want some more