Competition - Win a bottle of champagne

No 3666 Set by John Crick

We asked how you imagine the modern Heaven to be.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Good. I liked R Ewing's Eminem ("Dear Stan . . . Heaven awaits those with spiritual fitness"), Bruce Alther's rewriting of "Heaven, I'm in Heaven" and Hamish Wilson's slogan for the New Millennium Heaven from the Labour Party ("Heaven Can Wait"). £20 to the winners; the vouchers go to Michael Cregan.

Yes, the Life To Come has been brought up to date, and will be exactly like down here, only more so! Every day will be different, but a typical day might run as follows:

Get up, breakfast, then watch Richard and Judy for a while before a lingering visit to the "Best of Damien Hirst" exhibition at the Tate. A bite to eat at McDonald's, then it's off to watch the England football team's latest international.

A conducted tour of Posh'n'Becks's home (girls will have the chance to try on Posh's new clothes, while boys will also have the chance to try on Posh's new clothes) takes us into the evening, when we attend a five-hour pop concert featuring the rapper Eminem, All Saints, Westlife, Craig David, Boyzone, Jennifer Lopez, and many more of the performers who make up today's pop scene.

Then a spot of clubbing at Stringfellows, and finally home to bed at 4am. So there you are, an Afterlife that is bang up to date. But enough about Hell; let me tell you about Heaven . . .

Michael Cregan

Hi! My name it's Pierre-Yves Gerbeau and I'm there to tell you about my fantastic new venture it's called Heaven - I'm really excited about it for sure it's a real quality product and will I am certain become more popular even than EuroDisney for sure it's not a product that you British are believing in like you should but with a new brand profile and positioning and better-quality assurance for sure I am sinking that the great British public will come flocking back for I am noticing that you British have real good taste it's fantastic there is the nostalgia of the Body Zone but the real attraction is the live show with fantastic performances from the fantastic Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and even John Lennon for sure he was real surprised to be playing a gig here I know the critics are quoting figures like 144,000 and say we will have no more then that through the turnstiles but it's simply not true for sure just remember you need plenty of time to really appreciate this fantastic product.

David Silverman

Following a corporate restructuring, we have undergone a comprehensive modernisation programme. Retained are the tried and trusted features such as the Pearly Gates (steam cleaned for celestial freshness) and St Peter has been jointly tasked with St Mary to meet challenging new throughput targets due to the demands of an increasing and diverse population. But consider these additional new attractions:

- The Body Zone - where you can enjoy virtual reality fleshly pleasures (entry restricted to couples only);

- The Football Forum - where fans can decide on whether there should be divine intervention in Premiership matches (NB: there is a waiting-list for Manchester United supporters - we recommend you defer your arrival if possible);

- Non-Christians Viewing Gallery - where good people from other faiths can observe New Heaven from a specially designed area with comfortable seating.

So build up your entry points by way of a prayer a day. But remember the value of prayer can go up as well as down, and you may not get rewards equivalent to the amount of faith invested.

Stephen Bibby

Around the spotless thoroughfares the vaguest joys are crowded: dull blooms and rather basic birds under the skies half-clouded. I see as through rose spectacles, their vision gently blurred, a sketchy sort of Paradise with every noise half-heard, and every face a simple shape, and nothing lasting long - a sort of bland embodiment of verse by Patience Strong.

"Where is this place?" I ask myself, "a modern sort of Hell? or is it just a mental state where all seems vaguely well? How can I face a million years of drifting round a place with nothing ever definite, and no familiar face? no beer, no banks, no cricket matches, not a single bimbo. They never told me Heaven was just another word for Limbo."

I'd rather live until I pass 111, and let the rest of you enjoy your dim, aseptic Heaven.

Peter Lyon

Sign up with Virtual Heaven. If you've already been accepted as a soul-user, head to the LC0047286> Pearly Gates (St Paul Hotline No 1). Otherwise, you can redeem with the Wanna-Be-Nirvana. Use VH from BlissTM to create your own spiritual happiness - without having to program! Or you might find the Instant Valhalla license agreement much easier (no dodgy warranties or lockout clauses). All you need is a SoulSaver pack, with an Elysium browser, and out pops your Paradise interface with everlasting peace. This will be described in Timeless Modelling Language. TML is a labyrinth of interconnected visions connected to an infinite number of spirits. You will experience existentially a true paradigm shift in the Presence, a blend of cosmic awareness and perpetual happy hunting-ground from the deus ex machina of your choice. You'll access some great hereafter goodies, including: previously unseen footage of the Last Supper; the special effects behind Red Sea Parting; and the culinary secrets of the Loaves/ Fishes+Water/Wine phenomena.

John O'Byrne

No 3669 Set by John Crick

A trendy vicar gives the reasons behind his interpretation of one of the Ten Commandments. Max 200 words by 1 March.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk