Canoodling with Jerry Hall or being the brother-in-law of the Clash's late, great Joe Strummer is judged insufficient to save the wet lettuce leaf that is Hugo "Surrender" Swire. Tory malcontents wonder aloud whether Surrender, a former Grenadier Guardsman, has Italian blood after the shadow culture secretary failed to put up a fight against Tessa "That'll Do Nicely" Jowell over Berlusconi's ill-gotten gains that may, or may not, have helped buy her home in north London. Surrender is a member of Citizen Dave's elite Brigade of Toffs, an Old Etonian officer class that leaves hand-to-hand combat to infantrymen such as Nigel Evans, who dirtied his hands in the family newsagent's before joining the wrong party. Should Jowell remain at liberty, Citizen Dave risks a mutiny. NCOs grumble that General David Davis would have captured this particular prisoner.
Wailing is heard in Downing Street as Benji Wegg-Prosser rallies to the aid of soulmate "Tiny" Tim Allan over the ex-No 10 staffer's lucrative anti-union work for supermarket giant Asda. Benji, who invited Tiny to his Moscow nuptials to a non-mail-order Russian bride, accuses Tiny's critics of disloyalty in a peculiar perversion of priorities within the people's party. Some 31 Labour MPs at the last count had signed the election maestro Fraser Kemp's hostile early-day motion. I trust Benji is whingeing as Tiny's friend rather than director of the PM's Strategic Chaps Unit, otherwise
Mandy's old bag-carrier risks finding himself named in a motion of his own.
An old Oxford chum of Citizen Dave recalls the Tory One unaccountably weeping buckets at university, turning on the waterworks without notice. I similarly pass on the word in Westminster - what the bewigged would term hearsay - that Dave dyes his hair. I make a note to keep an eye on the progress of tiny grey flecks over his ears.
The disclosure in this slot last week of Alastair Campbell's friendly advice to That'll Do Nicely triggered frenzied weekend accounts of his diversification into the marriage guidance business. Newly separated Jowell's years of air-kissing have paid dividends, however, with countless hacks scribbling more in sorrow than anger. At a lobby briefing one scribe opined: "Whether we like it or not this is damaging to her . . ." We? Like it or not? Pleassse!
Time is to be called on Annie's Bar, the administration committee seeking to turn it into a dry-cleaner's, dressing rooms or - the ultimate indignity - a coffee bar. Shifting Annie's into a depressing, windowless room a few years back and then withdrawing the regular barman have done the trick, with takings halved. A campaign is hatched to save Annie's, but I suspect it'll be one hell of a final farewell before the summer recess.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror