The fan - Hunter Davies worries about Michael's foot

What had happened to Harry Kewell? Had a bird decided to nest on his head?

Only half a season to go to the World Cup, so time to read the runes, and the Rons, and the Roons - goodness, there are just so many Do Ron Rons in football these days.

Hair. After almost a year now of boring haircuts, Liverpool's Harry Kewell is playing a stormer. At first I wasn't sure if he knew what had happened to him. Had some strange bird decided to nest on his head? Did he overdo the energy drinks and were they turning him into a sumo wrestler? But no, after careful examination, I'm convinced it's deliberate - and totally brilliant. He acquired not just one but two ponytails, one above the other. Look out for one or both in the World Cup when he turns out for Australia.

Arse. Upon which Arsenal might fall. How awful it would be if, when they move into their amazing new stadium next season, Spurs have ended miles above them in the League, they are not in Europe and Thierry Henry has left. It'll be so sad, hee hee hee.

Foot. Wee Michael's, of course, for which a nation prays. I was at that game, against Spurs, when it got broken in the last minute of the first half, yet nobody where I was sitting in the press box realised. Even when Owen didn't come out for the second half, no one knew the reason. All the talk at half-time was about a Press Association reporter, three along from me, who headed a miskicked ball back into play.

Talc. How do you think it has a use in football? Apart from in the dressing room. I was watching a South American league game, late one evening, nothing else to do, when the ref awarded a free-kick just outside the box. Knowing the defending team would play silly buggers and not get back, and the attacking team would try to move the ball when he wasn't watching, he took some talcum powder from his pocket and marked the exact spot from whence the kick had to be taken. Wasn't that clever? And yet nothing to do with modern technology. Do hope it features in the WC.

Gloves. As worn by a referee - also something I'd never seen before. Dermot Gallagher wore a pair of leather ones over the Christmas period for a Second Division game. What a softie. But why didn't he wear a woolly hat to warm his baldy head?

Notice. The one I pondered longest was a huge one, the length of the grandstand, at a Motherwell-Aberdeen game: "Keep cigarettes away from the match." I thought at first it might be a security message, then realised the pun. All it was saying, I presume, was "don't smoke at the game".

Emotive phrases. I've written down quite a few this season when listening to commentaries. "Gerrard opened his body." That did present some horrific images. As did "Lampard has managed to get his leg over". But my favourite so far has been "Dunn stuck out an important leg". As opposed to his ordinary, trivial leg, the one he never uses.

Weird adverb. As used by Clive Tyldesley in his report on the Monaco-CSKA Moscow Euro game. "The pitch is infamously laid on a car park." Which it is, but what was the adverb he was struggling and failing to find? I spent the rest of the match obsessed with trying to help him. "Notoriously"? No, that would have been just as bad. "As is well known" would have been the best way out. Unless he knows something about the architect that we don't know.

Message. I longed to know why Jose Mourinho gave Carlton Cole, coming on as sub, a written message to pass on to John Terry during the Chelsea-Manchester United game. Both Cole and Terry are English - so why couldn't it have been a verbal message? Could he not trust Cole to remember it? It was a long way across the pitch. Do they not speak to each other? Or perhaps it was a drawing.

Or a joke. That must have been it, such as one I got in a Christmas cracker: "Why is a football ground so cool? Because it's full of fans."

Right, that's it for now. Off for my summer hols in the Caribbean. See yous next month. Please, please, o bon Dieu, let nothing happen to Roo Roo Rooney while I'm away . . .

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