Vroom!

<em>Some British athletes faced dope test allegations. Some British drivers wanted cheaper petrol</e

Fill my tank with nandrolone:

My van is anabolic.

How it pumps around my sumps!

I am a gasaholic.

Hands off, that's my steroid wheel.

My veins are thick and viscid:

Cut your prices, I'm in crisis!

Now fill me, I'm a whizzkid.

Come race, my carburettor heart,

And never mind what's wasted.

I cannot cope without the dope

Till victory is tasted.

I'm running out of patience, mate.

My fierce foot's on the pedal.

No odium: the podium

Awaits my oily medal.

This article first appeared in the 18 September 2000 issue of the New Statesman, Let the poor seek a place in the sun