That rare political animal, a real-ale-swilling, Aston-Villa-supporting Old Etonian, the chap otherwise known as David "Call me Dave" Cameron, has, I'm reliably informed, a problem remembering his Commons security pass. Dozy Dave is in the habit of turning up without the aforementioned piece of plastic and is reduced to smiling nicely at the men on the gate to get in. A gun-toting guard recently admonished the wannabe leader, warning Tory Boy that this ID-free entry must halt. On another occasion, Dave held up his pass split in half. Uniformed staff wonder how on earth an MP's normal use could break it.
Jodhpur-wearing MP Kate "Tally" Hoey has evaded a potentially bloodthirsty inquiry into her chairmanship of the Countryside Alliance. Labour's retiring general secretary Matt "Smiley" Carter rejected a Chippenham comrade's complaint that the post is incompatible with her party card, let alone representing inner-city Vauxhall. Smiley declared that Labour members are free to join other organisations with political objectives. But Tally Hoey's not out of the woods yet. Her pursuer plans an appeal.
Train trouble on a jaunt to Sheffield with cabinet ministers David Miliband and Tessa Jowell. The 07.25 St Pancras to Sheffield is cancelled so our posse trots off to King's Cross for the 07.30 to Doncaster and a coach into Steel City. Power line problems at Newark equal a further hour's delay. Miliband is incredulous when a local hack asks what he will do about a pregnant Tyke forced to stand on a crowded Leeds-Sheffield shuttle. When Mili D asks why someone didn't give up their seat, the scribbler mumbles something about that being impossible in Tykeland.
David "Mr Sheffield" Blunkett is never mentioned in his backyard as, 160 miles south in the Big Smoke, South Yorkshire's most famous - apologies, make that infamous - son is in the cabinet fingertip club. A Labour wag suggests that soon they won't find Blunkett's DNA in the city. Ouch.
The price of spin spirals upwards with news that Whitehall press femme Anne "Nothing to add" Shevas banked a 30K rise on leaving No 10 for a less taxing post at Revenue and Customs on an annual salary not unadjacent to £95,000. She might feel short-changed, however, on learning that her boss, Chris Hopson, is on £120,000. Nice work if you can get it.
The village whisper is of a key figure in Dave's Tory leadership team using a derogatory four-letter term to denigrate Pakistan cricketer-turned-politician Imran Khan. Labour's bad boys utter a name at a Notting Hill dinner table, but are unable to persuade an eyewitness to recount the dreadful tale in public. Inquiries are ongoing, as the police say.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror