<em>New game shows </em>Survivor<em> and </em>Jailbreak<em> promise final big-money winners. Richard

I want to run a Lottery

Or issue Premium Bonds

To be a harry-pottery

Archwizard of the wands

No longer riding pillion

Upon the bike of fame

I want to scoop a million

And win the greatest game

Not virginal - victorious!

All opposition floored!

A licence to print glorious

Spondulicks by the hoard!

I'm desperate to top your list

To scale the prison walls

But I'm a Tory populist

With different sorts of balls

This article first appeared in the 04 September 2000 issue of the New Statesman, The New Statesman Essay - Cheated of their vodka and cake