Competition - Win a bottle of champagne

No 3721 Set by Tim Hopkins

We asked for acronyms for today's bunch of TV personalities.

Report by Ms de Meaner

I know we gave you the example of Wearily Obsequious - Guests Advertising Nightly, but then, you didn't need his first name, as his programme was actually called Wogan. So I was only inclined to allow single names if: a) that is their one and only (Lulu), or b) I was in no doubt as to who they are (Cilla, Delia, Kilroy, Paxman). I wasn't happy with those who sent in Black, Lane, Robinson or Smith. And as for Ian Birchall's Mockery Eventually Repulses, Turning Out Nauseous! It turned out to be "Mrs". And I had a completely different Merton in mind. £10 to winners; the bottle goes to John O'Byrne. Oh, and a message to Howard Chessman and Alanna Blake: you both scraped in by a whisker - Vanessa is getting slimmer by the day. You should read the more popular papers.

Ladies, You Note His Artful Moustache?

This Is Totally Challenging: Heavy Manure, Anorexic Roots, Squirting Hoses.

Paradigmatic Anchorman: Xeric, Mordant, Aggressive, Notorious.

Secondhand Collectible; Useless Ludicrous Leftovers. Yawn!

Couples Inventing Lies, Lovable Anecdotes - Bountiful Lust Always Camouflaged. Kitsch.

John O'Byrne

Judged Untimely - Lewd Intimate Advises Nobbled Chancellor Lamont. Apology Received Yet?

Publicity - OK! Special, Hello! Special. Personality Invites Constant Exposure.

Come Inside Love. Learn A Basic Life Art - Cheek Kissing.

Unruly Lover Reprehensible In Kicking Affair.

Amid Loam And Nettles This Indifferently Talented Chap Has Media Agog - Ratings Sky High.

Robert Ireland

People's Avenger: Xenophobes Mangled, Archbishops Needled.

Journalist Of Numinous Seductiveness Nightly Opens Wormcans.

Instinctively Amusing Newshound: His Incredible Sommerville Lookalikeness Occasions Protest.

Know-all Infatuates Ladies Reaching Older Years.

Patently - Although Totally Rational - Inhabits Comet Krypton. Marvellous Odour Of Rampant Eccentricity.

Egomaniac Smartarse Tele-Harpy Engenders Revelations

Anne Du Croz

Curly-Haired And Redheaded Landscaper Is Expensively Deployed In Making Many Old Codgers Kinky.

Mordant Elderly Luvvy's Vociferous Yet Nasal Banter Ruins Artily Generalised Gobbledygook.

Carroty Halfwit Reckons It's Sexy Embarrassing Viewers After Naff Swearing.

Miserable Autocue Reader Kebabs Laddish Amateurs Mockingly And Rather Repulsively.

Creepy Hypemeister Roguishly Inveigles Sundry Test Addicts, Requiring Right Answers Nobody Tumbles.

Will Bellenger

Voluminous Amazon Never Evading Spurious Self-Advertising.

Decorously Endorses Limited Ingredients. Accordingly Supermarkets Make Intercession To Her.

Hopeful Ageing Retiree Voluntarily Encourages Yieldless Jinxed Organisations . . . No Evident Success.

Regularly Occasioning Love For Hospitalised Animals - Recovery Reassures, Involving Sentimentality.

Oh! Please Reveal All Here.

Alanna Blake

Easy Speaker? Teeth Hold Everybody Riveted!

Delicacy Expert Lady In Action.

Foments Revelations On Sunday Telly.

Real Ozzie's Love For Hospitalised Animals Raises Roars In Sydney.

Deemed Excessively Aggressive Yet Takes On Nobody.

Happy In Soliciting Litigation Over Publications.

Eric Swainson

Debonair, Easy Smile, Maidenly Orgasms Nightly Delivered Linkman, Yet Naughty Air Manifest.

Potty Astronomer Televisually Reveals Immense Cosmic Knowledge, Moon-gazing Oracle Or Rabelaisian Eccentric?

Wordgame Humorist Invites Televisual Examination, Leaves Everyone Yawning.

Fat, Execrable, Loathsome Talkshow . . . Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Twattish Interviewer Talks Crap Habitually, Makes Also Rather Soporific Horticulturalist.

Howard Chessman

All Ladies Adore Nature-Tamers; It's The Compost Heap Man Attracting Randy Suburban Housewives.

Combines Ignorant Lovers; Lorra Aching Belly-Laughs At Clueless Kissers.

Raconteur Of Lovable Fluffy Hospitalised Animals. Result: Reviewers In Stitches.

Bearded Idiot Loves Lightweight Ornithological Detours Driving In Europe.

D A Prince

No 3724 Set by Leonora Casement

"Politicians" wrote Richard Ingrams in the Observer, "tend to be pretty weird people with more eccentricities and obsessions than most of us." Could we have a speech by a prominent politician in which he valiantly attempts - and amusingly fails - to hide just these failings. Max 200 words and in by 11 April.


This article first appeared in the 03 April 2000 issue of the New Statesman, Englishness: who cares?