Competition - Win a bottle of champagne

No 3609 Set by Leonora Casement

The performance artist Jordan McKenzie's students at Cheltenham & Gloucester College of Higher Education asked for "a more gradual approach" to his work than he gave them: a film of himself dancing naked round a pig's heart.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Wow. Christmas celebrations came early for some, especially lan Birchall, whose entry was unexpectedly gross, yet still obeyed the rules - even if he did wickedly subvert them. £15 to winners; the bottle goes to Adrian Fry.

Wilfred! Splendid news! Thanks for supporting my reinstatement, pending a complete revamp of the art course. Maybe the following six-week video programme would deliver "a more gradual approach" for nervous students? Cheers, Jordan.

An artist dances around:

Week 1: an avocado in full evening dress;

Week 2: a Linda McCartney individual meatless cottage pie in kilt, sporran and skean-dhu;

Week 3: a Big Mac (in its bun) wearing M&S Y-fronts and string vest;

Week 4: a small, well-trimmed, healthy-eating pork chop wearing Mickey Mouse boxer shorts;

Week 5: A six-pack of New Zealand lambs' kidneys (partially thawed) in leather thong with posing pouch;

Week 6: Danse Macabre, the pig's heart and the full monty.

Anne Du Croz

Recognising the intellectual challenge posed by his latest masterpiece, the artist has assembled the following works as an introduction to his radically visceral conceptuo-visual artscape.

1: A four-hour animated film of the words "naked man" dancing round the words "pig's heart". The intentionally mind-numbing piece both elucidates and demonstrates the bourgeois complacency engendered when words are allowed to represent things.

2: A short film of the artist, fully clothed, strolling through a shopping centre to a butcher's shop, where a pig's heart is procured. This piece, a mordant meditation of man's baldly commercial relationship to pigs' hearts in a collapsing capitalist culture, reassures the viewer that the work in progress has firm roots in economic realism, while simultaneously transcending it.

3: An installation entitled Pig's Heart Wrapped in Artist's Clothes. Since neither artist nor pig's heart are visible, we are compelled to infer the nakedness of one and the existence of the other, rendering ourselves complicit in the conceptual process.

4: A film "showing" the naked artist concealed behind a three-metre-high mound of pigs' hearts. Grisly but gripping, the work is almost Beckettian in its lack of scope.

Adrian Fry

Intranet message 2.10.99

Next week, Jordan McKenzy, a performance artist, will be presenting his work. His particular rationale concerns the confluence of the nude image with post- and quasi-druidic formational terminologies. Brief: to research recent nudic installation work, also pre-Christian ceremonial fetishisation.

Intranet message 3.10.99

Jodan Mackenzy update. Catalogue reference to undertake pre-event assignment portfolio work: "Art and the Surgical Phenomenon: the human transplantational process in perspective". Mr Mackenzy will be performing Swine Fever Without Snout and Dialogue. Brief 2: to research those artists operating in the crypto- medical interface with recent political action qua non-vegetarian attitudinal poses.

Intranet message 4.10.99

Brief 3: J/dan Mck/Perf Artist. Research movement studies, with close reference to Scots dance (White Heather Club, Glasgow Health and Efficiency Collective, Isadora Duncan). The haggis as the centre-piece of Caledonian reel, this cld be sketched. Rita Pavone: "Heart". Cilla Black: "Anyone Who Had a Heart". Pinky & Perky: "My Heart Belongs to Daddy". Refs supplied by J/M.

Intranet message 5.10.99

Mr J Mackenzie will perform in Studio C at 11.30. Media: skin, bone, entrails, surface, music. Photography impermissible. Contextual brief: response to performance art in the moving nude environment with dissection of emblemic organ: cf, pig's heart.

Will Bellenger

Music: "Teddy Bears' Picnic"

Enter man dressed in a long cloak, with an appealing Babe-style pig on a lead. He scratches its ears affectionately.

Music: "The Stripper"

Slowly the man removes his cloak. He then begins to strip, Chippendale-style. After several minutes of suggestive movements, he is naked apart from a pair of underpants. He then returns to the pig.

Music: "Jealousy"

Enter two picadors, who proceed to goad the pig. It is slow to anger, but after some minutes it charges like a bull. Enter a matador, who administers the death blow with a samurai sword. The man continues to dance. Enter Prince Charles, who removes the pig's heart, employing expert techniques acquired from fox-hunting, and places it on the ground.

Music: "We Are the Champions"

The man continues to sway from side to side as he removes his underpants. He then begins to dance ecstatically around the pig's heart.

Ian Birchall

No 3612 Set by Margaret Rogers

Jason Cowley listed ten essential novels from the British century in the Christmas issue. We want haikus summarising these ten by 20 January: Tono-Bungay, Under Western Eyes, The Good Soldier, Women in Love, To the Lighthouse, A Handful of Dust, Nineteen Eighty-Four, Crash, A Perfect Spy and The Enigma of Arrival.