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We sit in the abattoir, crunching

Our carrots, our marrows, our peas.

We're vegans, but carry on munching

Your meat. You must do as you please.

We're all in the Salvation Army,

With plenty of water to drink.

Ban alcohol? You must be barmy:

We don't tell a lush what to think.

We're leading the war against cancer,

By making the stuff that you smoke.

Light up, and support a new ban, sir!

Lend your lungs! Are you ready to croak?

Ken Livingstone? Should he be London's

Ambassador? What, are you mad?

We've No-votes to sell in abundance -

Get out there, and vote for the lad!

This article first appeared in the 25 October 1999 issue of the New Statesman, The New Statesman Essay - Why the old left is wrong on equality