Competition - Win a bottle of champagne

No 3591 Set by Grace Elegy

You enter the party and there floats across the room a remark that makes you wish you hadn't come.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Am I in the doghouse! I have had two letters - from Alastair Lynn and John O'Byrne - pointing out that I got their entries for comp no 3589 (anaphrodisiac sex scenes) muddled up. Neither won, but Alastair Lynn's version of Last Tango in Paris was quoted in the report and erroneously attributed to O'Byrne - who, incidentally, was overflowing with praise for what little he read (" . . . it was beautifully written - congrats to the comper who did it"). Many apologies to Mr Lynn. I have also had a letter from George Cowley about the actual winners of that same comp: "Perhaps it says something about me - but I found Gerard Benson's anaphrodisiac entry mildly arousing." Hmmm.

This week we have had the usual number of sentences that would have me bristling with excitement if I heard them across a crowded room - "I see Robin Cook's looking for a bit on the side again", "John Pilger's coming later" and "Hi, I'm Bill Greenwell" - but lots that hit the mark. A £5 book token for all winners. Oh, and apologies also for the misprint last week. The winners got £15, not £5.

The party's next week.

Will Bellenger

Hush everyone! Mr Fayed's hoping to play his bagpipes.

T Griffiths

No, really, you can't dismiss Nostradamus so easily . . .

OK everyone, just toss your keys into the middle of the room . . .

Ian Purser

We are police officers.

. . . and he only gets violent if you mention . . .

Watson Weeks

Arthur, do tell us all about the eclipse.

Sid Field

Can someone get a bucket?

We din 'alf give them town lads a pasting up Catterick, din we?

Where shall I put this dirty nappy?

In my day . . .

Vincent McLoughlin

Actually, we find that most people prefer it to the real thing.

I just sense that if we hold hands he'll manifest himself.

W J Webster

Hello . . . yes, it's me . . . I'll have to speak up. I'm at a party.

Ian Birchall

. . . Star Wars . . .

Nicholas Hodgson

Robin's waxing positively lyrical about married life.

Ian Watson

And then Giggsy said . . .

Gordon Gwilliams

Let x be the unknown variable in the equation.

John O'Byrne

The signed copies are on the table.

N Syrett

. . . and later we could all visit my website.

. . . dot com.

Colin Spackman

Better out than in, eh?

Nick Thomas

. . . underarm deodorant is only for cissies . . .

Anne Du Croz

I feel wasps have as much right to life as we have.

He's not doing any harm under the sideboard.

There is a way out across the roof if it becomes necessary.

Prue Sheldon

A just war, I thought . . . oh, and here's George, who'll be able to tell us exactly why.

Megan Davies

What's your opinion, Dr Paisley?

Something's the matter with the clipboard.

J R Till

. . . comfortable with my sexuality . . .

S D Millington

Elderberry or dandelion?

David Barton

What's it like, exactly, flying in Economy?

. . . downshifted to a smallholding near Stroud to grow organic . . .

Yes, a little place in the real France profonde.

Derek Morgan

This parrot is no more. It is deceased. It is an ex-parrot . . .

David Silverman

If the roof fell in on this party it would set back welfare reform five years.

Who says the art of conversation is dead?

Nick MacKinnon

No 3594 Set by George Cowley

Francis Gilbert wrote in the New Statesman of "the morass of conflicting information, feelings and thoughts that the mind trawls through at any given moment".

We'd like you to send in no more than 200 words of just such a stream of consciousness from the mind of any person of note. Entries to be in by 2 September.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

This article first appeared in No Jews on their golf courses

1999-08-23