The Worker

<em>"I'll be directing traffic for years" - John Prescott</em>

When the last of the gas has been guzzled

And the panda and jaguar sleep

Here's an old dog they'll never have muzzled

I'll be out redirecting the sheep

When they've scrunched every car, and they're tossing

The metal to someone who'll sculpt

I'll give hell at a pelican crossing

Bossing bikes that leave little 'uns pulped

When the fast lanes have lost all their functions

And there's grass on the M42

I'll be hand-jiving on at the junctions

Making sure the sedan chairs get through

And when Tony beams down, still seraphic,

From a land where the angels ride asses

I will still be directing the traffic -

The Lollipop Man Of The Masses

This article first appeared in the 02 August 1999 issue of the New Statesman, America says: never again!

All pictures: BBC screengrabs.
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David Cameron made a terrible sex joke in his Conservative party conference speech

And he looked really pleased with himself afterwards.

As if the general public wanted to know anything else about the Prime Minister's sex life, he's gone and forced some more unsavoury images into our minds. 64 of them, to be precise.

During a particularly grim section of his speech to Conservative party conference, David Cameron took a break from his vague security theme (essentially: "Drones, lads! Who's with me?!") to tell a miserable sex joke. He began by talking about Labour's "economics guru", Richard Murphy – classic foreplay – before deploying this awkward punchline:

"His book is actually called The Joy of Tax. I’ve got it. I took it home to show Samantha. It’s got 64 positions – and none of them work."


Here he is, building up to his sex joke. Relaxed, in control:


Here he is, telling the joke. Part anxious, part relieved:


Here he is, when laughter ensues. Gleeful little schoolboy:


And here's Samantha. Eyes betraying bitter hatred:

I'm a mole, innit.