Sixty Jimmy Savile lookalikes from Leeds and other award-winners
Another season, another reason for making "who he?" - which is what rival supporters shout when Beckham prepares to take a corner. So let's start with him in the annual awards.
Alice Band of the Year. No competition, really.
Horrible Hair of the Year. Freddie Ljungberg. After several seasons of dyeing it red, he's given up and we can see the reason why he did it. He's got really nasty, thin, weedy hair.
Phrases of the Year. The most frequently used has been "I've seen them given", which does not refer to the Newcastle goalie but a penalty claim or a similar so-called talking point, which is another overused phrase. But the winner is, "He's been a good servant to the club." It suggests the player in question has played for nothing, as opposed to being paid a fortune. If he'd been any good, not so dozy, he'd have gone elsewhere like a shot, and not given a bugger about being a loyal servant.
Chant of the Year. "All you need is Duff", sung by Blackburn Rovers supporters.
Wigs of the Year. At Arsenal-Leeds, I came across a gaggle of Leeds fans in long white wigs. Could it be an allusion to Alan Smith, who has short, bleached hair? But he wasn't playing. Excuse me, sirs, I said, why the wigs? "Now then, young man, young man, now then." They were Jimmy Savile impersonators. Sixty of them had dressed up for their trip to London to cheer themselves up, as they were sure they were going down. I bet the TV men did close-ups, but did they know the reason?
Crowd of the Year. Man Utd, for clapping Ronaldo off the pitch after he'd scored a hat-trick against them for Real Madrid.
New pronunciation. Jermaine "Jeenas" of Newcastle, who until halfway through the season was "Janus".
TV Image. Beckham blowing kisses during the England-Turkey game. The cameraman caught it, but it didn't make sense until later, when it turned out that some Turkish players had been trying to wind up Bex by making suggestions about his sexuality. Some brutes will stop at nothing.
Real Image. Still in my mind's eye, an incident from the Arsenal-Man Utd game when Campbell elbowed Solskjaer. The referee and linesmen conferred, holding their hands to their mouths so cameras across the pitch could not read their lips - but unknown to them, a Sky cameraman was running like hell from the corner flag, where he usually stands, his camera hung over his belly. He got right up behind them and caught every word.
Bye-Byes of the Year. Peter Ridsdale, Michael Knighton, Sergei Rebrov, Terry Venables. Where is Tel, by the way? Sulking in Spain?
Hellos of the Year. Wayne Rooney got all the attention, and deservedly, but for my money, John O'Shea is the most valuable young player.
Mad Money. That £30m paid for Rio Ferdinand. Probably now worth £13m. Not just because he's done little, but because such fees are from another era. Since Alf Common went for £1,000 to Boro in 1905, which shock-horrored the football world, transfers have inexorably kept climbing. This season, for the first time, they look like going backwards. Hurrah for that.
Commentator of the Year. You would have thought the success of the Spanish and Italian teams in Europe, and the rubbish performances by Man U and Arsenal, would have made our TV commentators stop boasting that the Premiership is the world's best. Yet Andy Gray is still saying it - on the basis that our games are "unpredictable", with lowly teams always liable to win. It happens everywhere. Such as last week: Real Madrid getting beaten 5-1 by Mallorca. Get a grip, Gray.
So the award goes to Big Ron. Earlier in the season, his co-commentator observed that a player "has had some big misses over the years". Back came Ron, like a flash. "I didn't know you knew about his wives . . ."
Disappointment of the Year. Spurs, of course. I told myself I would not renew my season ticket unless they finished higher than last season. They won't. But I will, being stupid. See yous next season.