Why have I lumbered myself with two crap teams?

I've just come back from Spurs. What a terrible afternoon - dragging all that way just to be made miserable. And the cost, dear God, of the seats, which are so cramped, and the programme, all full of ads, and the shit tea at £1 a paper cup. As for the parking, that's now total hell. Thirty years ago, I could park practically outside the ground. Now I'm miles away. Local schools must be making a fortune, letting out their playgrounds at £5 a car, and local Jack-the-lads appear to be running protection rackets.

Glad some are doing well, because I'm in a real bad temper. Look out missus, you could get a mouthful. Yes I did say shit. And it's still early evening, not past the watershed.

If Spurs were doing well, or looking like they might be about to do well, the tea would have tasted great. The parking a doddle. It would now be smiles and whistles.

At any one moment, at least 50 per cent of all fans feel like this. We drag ourselves home, thinking "Why do we bother?" and "What is the point?" It can be quite amusing to stand up and shout, "STAND UP IF YOU HATE MAN U/ARSENAL/LIVERPOOL/CELTIC/CARLISLE UNITED" or whichever is your particular hate. Then you sit down and think: "Actually, I'm beginning to hate my own team."

Spurs fans were booing at the end of today's game - a pathetic 1-1 draw with Bradford. Don't talk about it. I didn't join in. Waste of breath. George Graham has been asking us not to boo at Armstrong, because it puts him off, the petal, but I think fans have every right to boo. What else can we do?

I know it's worse for the players. They have to suffer for their uselessness far more than we do. In an hour or so, I'll have forgotten this afternoon, but they will have to pay the consequences of their lousy performance for the next seven days, or until they win, which could be another seven weeks, or seven decades judging by today.

Alan Sugar has announced that next season's ticket prices will not be put up. How bloody kind. If he had any decency, he would decrease them, or let us all in for nothing. They'll still be too expensive. I take it as an admittance that he knows he can't charge us any more - not to watch those tossers.

Following Carlisle United, which happens to be my other team, is far worse. Nobody hates them, of course, that was being silly. They got stuffed today and are obviously going to be fighting for their life again at the end of the season. What have I done to deserve all this, lumbering myself with two crap teams?

We all thought, when George arrived, that things were going to improve. There was that false dawn of the Worthington Cup Final win last season. This season, he promised us sixth place at least. Some hope. The defence is marginally better, but the midfield is pathetic and the strikers hopeless. If Sol Campbell packs it in and goes elsewhere, who can blame him? Must be so depressing, playing with so many talentless, Second Division players. I only wish some of them would get called up for the Cayman Islands and get lost on the way home. I can't understand why I haven't been asked to manage the Cayman Isles. At least I know where they are, unlike all these odds and sods who have been suddenly called up.

I am now tiring of Ginola. Never thought I'd say that - the only player these past three seasons with any flair. Today, in the second half, he was a liability, passing to no one, contributing nothing. I think the rest of the team has gone off him as well.

Following Man Utd, Chelsea or Arsenal - teams with so many genuinely talented, heart-stopping, uplifting, exciting players - must be a pleasure (or Liverpool and Leeds, which also have good players). But, in a way, I'm not really jealous of those five. Just resigned. They are now so far ahead of us in talent, income, pulling power, status. Spurs were once part of that elite. Not no more. And it can only get worse.

Instead, I rather envy the supporters of Leicester and Coventry. These are clubs with little tradition of riches and glories, yet each is making a good fist of what it has, playing positively and attractively, always likely to surprise the elite. Following Watford, Sheffield Wednesday and Bradford must be pretty depressing. Not just their perilous position, but their lack of any decent players. Ginola might have been crap today, but we know it's there, somewhere. Anderton is a class player, when he puts his mind to it. But that's it. The thought of John Hartson does not excite me.

On the other hand, Watford supporters came to this season with low expectations. In fact, they seem to be enjoying themselves regardless. When Spurs beat them 4-0 on Boxing Day, I was near the Watford end and, in the dying moments, I could still hear them shouting, "WE'RE GOING TO WIN 5-4". How's that for good humour?

When they entertained Man Utd at Vicarage Road, they amused themselves by jeering at the Man Utd fans, "YOU'RE ALL DOCTORS FROM SURREY". Quite a mouthful to shout and also rather complicated, as football abuse goes.

But they were having fun. I wish I was.

Perhaps it's better in life, and in football, to lower one's expectations. Perhaps I've been expecting too much.

On reflection, I don't think many of the present Spurs team could actually make the Cayman Isles first eleven. Rockall reserves - that's far more realistic.

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