Every opinion piece you're about to read about the royal baby

In predictable fashion, anyone with a column to fill in the next week is going to write about the new royal arrival. Rafael Behr saves you the trouble of reading them.

It was a quiet news week and then a royal princess had a baby. Every columnist and commentator in the land will want a piece of the action. To save you some time, here is every opinion piece to be published in the coming days.

A moment of national joy to celebrate. Britain is champion country of the world

Patriotism by numbers with a passive aggressive hint that failure to be moved by a royal birth means there is something shrivelled and ugly about your soul.

This monarchist carnival proves that we are a Conservative country, which is a good thing

David Cameron spoke for us all when he said "congratulations." How dismal life must be for the tiny minority of joyless lefties shivering on the margins of our national identity.

This monarchist charade proves that we are a Conservative country, which is a bad thing

This is surely how Solzhenitsyn felt. We republicans are internal exiles and dissidents.

It just goes to show how class is dead

The Middletons are so middle class they even have “middle” in their name. What more proof do you need?

It just goes to show how class is alive and kicking

Oh Britain! How easily you are seduced into deference and feudalism.

This is the spawn of imperialism and don’t forget it

Hysterical rant about the evils of the British Establishment

Gotcha! Lefties hate babies – how dare Labour call itself compassionate

Gleeful denunciation of extreme republicans culminating in call for Ed Miliband to distance himself from a comment someone unconnected to the Labour party may have made on the internet.

He will be the Twitter King

Getting desperate now. What’s the social media angle?

He will not be the Twitter King

Oho, you all fell for the social media angle, but really this is a timeless thing that transcends faddish technology.

Leave the poor child and its parents alone

No-one should write about this anymore, apart from me and this, obviously.

 

 

The Sun's royal boy-baby frontpage. Photograph: Getty Images

Rafael Behr is political columnist at the Guardian and former political editor of the New Statesman

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Donald Trump vs Barack Obama: How the inauguration speeches compared

We compared the two presidents on trade, foreign affairs and climate change – so you (really, really) don't have to.

After watching Donald Trump's inaugural address, what better way to get rid of the last few dregs of hope than by comparing what he said with Barack Obama's address from 2009? 

Both thanked the previous President, with Trump calling the Obamas "magnificent", and pledged to reform Washington, but the comparison ended there. 

Here is what each of them said: 

On American jobs

Obama:

The state of our economy calls for action, bold and swift.  And we will act, not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth.  We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together.  We'll restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost.  We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.  And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age.

Trump:

For many decades we've enriched foreign industry at the expense of American industry, subsidized the armies of other countries while allowing for the very sad depletion of our military.

One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores with not even a thought about the millions and millions of American workers that were left behind.

Obama had a plan for growth. Trump just blames the rest of the world...

On global warming

Obama:

With old friends and former foes, we'll work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet.

Trump:

On the Middle East:

Obama:

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West, know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. 

Trump:

We will re-enforce old alliances and form new ones and unite the civilized world against radical Islamic terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the earth.

On “greatness”

Obama:

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned.

Trump:

America will start winning again, winning like never before.

 

On trade

Obama:

This is the journey we continue today.  We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth.  Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began.  Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week, or last month, or last year.  Our capacity remains undiminished.  

Trump:

We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making our product, stealing our companies and destroying our jobs.

Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength. I will fight for you with every breath in my body, and I will never ever let you down.

Stephanie Boland is digital assistant at the New Statesman. She tweets at @stephanieboland