The greatest team you've ever seen

Hunter Davies' "The Fan" column.

Hunter Davies' "The Fan" column appears weekly in the New Statesman magazine.

God, they are playing well, the greatest team the world has ever seen. Gareth Bale has just done a good cross, he is just so fab, let’s hope we can keep him, but dopey Dempsey was nowhere, did good for Fulham, what a waste of money. Oh my God, Gareth has only put a free kick straight in the net!!!! Hardly one minute gone and we are one goal up, come on youuuuu Spuuuurs, we’re gonna win the league, Europe, everyfink.

I am jumping up and down so much, I’ve dropped my Thermos flask, sorry darling. Lunchtime kick-offs are a bugger – should you stuff your face before or after or during? I plump for all three. Eating for joy, oh yes.

Gareth must be worth £50m now. Make it £100m. It’s one-way traffic, Newcastle still not had a kick and it’s 20 minutes gone, oh, that was a let off, Caulker you plonker, why did you let him head it? Go on, Gareth, hmm, where is he? Not seen him for five minutes but young Holtby looks good, OK he’s skied the ball three time over the bar, but he’s only young and German and weedy.

Oh fuckin’ hell, how did that happen, Newcastle have scored. It’s 1-1 and they are running through us. Gareth what are you doing, you Welsh poseur, forget about your quiff, run at them, not like that useless twat Dempsey.

Caulker, if you can play for England, so can our tortoise. What a shambles, their heads are down, we’re gonna get stuffed , what the hell do they do in training?

A V-B, get your finger out of your Portugese bum. When Jermaine got injured and Adebayor swanned off to Africa, you knew we needed a proper striker. What’s the point of Bale and Azza putting in half-decent crosses if no one’s there? Dempsey won’t manage it, even if he catches the Tube.

I got Azza that from the latest Hotspur mag. It’s what Aaron Lennon is called in the dressing room. I have two rose-tinted loyal Spurs fans either side, Sue and Kath, and I think they are getting pissed off by my bad language – and cynicism.

Hurrah, at long bloody last, he is sending on Adebayor, long streak of teeth but at least a striker.

Oh no, too late, Newcastle are slicing through, the Toon Army has come alive. To Dare is to Do ? What the hell does that mean? Stupid bloody slogan.

And where have all these adverts in Japanese come from, or is it Chinese? God I am so ignorant. If they are watching this shite in Japan or China, good luck to them. Shows we are playing rubbish, if I am wondering about the ads. Obvious displacement activity. I’ll be Mexican-waving next.

Phil Dowd, you fat bastard, that was a hand ball. Lose some weight and you might see better.

I’ve set the video as the game is live on telly but I’ll wipe it straight off when I get home – who wants to watch rubbish twice? Typical bloody Spurs, get us all excited, a few good results, then back to mediocre crap, been mediocre all my life. Kath and Sue don’t know nuffink, poor naive sods.

If Bale goes to Real Madrid we’ll get some money for a proper striker.Where is he anyway, is he still on the pitch – fuck me, he’s only stormed through and scored again!!! God, amazing, a one-man feast of footer, he could have had two hat tricks.

If he gets injured, we might as well pack up for the season, give everyone their money back, let the builders in to finish the new stadium.

Final whistle, 2-1. I jump up and hug both Kath and Sue. They could be crying, for joy or from hot coffee spilled over them . .